Performing and its cheers and woes

Sometimes I really have to ask myself why in god's name do I want ot be an actress? Yeah, it's entertaining, but there's so much drama and tears and stress and aches and pains that come with it. You can't just go and do what you do, devil be damned, you must through the most basic aspect of the process submit yourself and your creative expression to the criticism and often the will of others. Acting in a musical is not performance art. You don't get to just be what you'll be. There's an entire staff who's job it is to correct your mistakes and guide you in what they believe to be the right direction. Then there are your peers and fellow performers and their opinions, then the opinions of your family and loved ones, and god forbid you start listening to the reviews, or worse, USER reviews on ticket sites... I'm mean jesus, if Blanche DuBois always relied on the kindness of strangers, how the fuck did she ever get anywhere.

I just get so torn, a huge part of me enjoys the process, most of me even. But when someone or something gets in the way of my, as the vampire song says, "creative self expression" and I feel trapped, boxed in, or just plain not allowed to "do my thing", it ceases to be fun, becomes a chore and drains me of my joy and energy.

Here's the biggest problem with that: What happens if I get to do this for a living, will I be able to stand the jobs that I can't stand? Am I cut out to be criticized? Maybe yes, maybe not, but right now I am beginning to try to learn to let it roll away -- every year I feel a little thicker skinned, every year I feel a little older more mature, more apt to deal with depression and rejection... so I keep on keeping on.

And that's that for now, I suppose.

Has it really been a year?

Sweet Jesus.... I can't even being to write down everything that's happened in the last year, but I can attempt to summarize:

Went on tour. It was Awesome.
Came home to loving boyfriend in shitty apartment in San Jose
Got New Job at Copier company.
Got Cast in TWO shows at ACLO this summer
Decided to try and get my equity card
Designed hair and makeup for first show: Went Great
Met Sean Forte during Cinderella: Made insta-friend.
Through a seemingly unfortunate event during Cinderella (that turned out not to be so unfortunate for my good-friends-for-life friend count) got close to Beverly Viljoen. She's awesome.
Moved to Fremont: Much better apartment.
Left New job for Newer job: Better Job: Ad Sales at Alameda Publishing Group. GOOD Job.


And that's my last like 10 months in a maddening nut-shell. ACLO this summer has been a bundle of family fun, as usual, and I have had a really great time. I am incredibly grateful for this little theater, it's lessons and friends... :) Lessons like: Learn your fucking lines for Kiss Me Kate before it's toooooo laaate! (ominous voice) So, that's this weeks drama, I'm frantically trying to play catchup from having decided to do two shows at once, and I am doing everything in my power to be where I should be with just a little more than 2 weeks to opening. I'll get there, it just feels like this huge anchor hanging over my head that might fall down and crush me at any minute. But it's not going to fall, and hell -- I'm a Fairy Godmother, right? I'll just POOF it into a feather. (And now I've officially lost my mind)

Anyway, life is good right now, crazy but good. The future looks achievable, my relationship is slowly baby-stepping it's way into the land of perfect (though I think it'll stop just short of that.... but that's really where it belongs.) And I'm finding new and interesting things about myself every day.

Being a woman is way more fun than being a little girl.

Though I have NO idea when I made THAT transition... wasn't it 6th grade like 3 days ago?

Ah Me.