This Girl's Thoughts

I will sing your fears if you sing my neurosis...

2009-01-18T21:10:00.000-08:00

Waiting for the other shoe to drop....

As I sit in my living room, a little saturated in cheap white wine and watching an episode of Sex and the City I have seen umpteen times, I got to thinking about my tendency to look for trouble. The last 7, now closing in on 8, months of my life have been, in one word: amazing. I moved to New York and found a great job, a handful of amazing friends, a pretty apartment, and a life that felt for the first time in my life, like my own. I have a life I built. I made my life happen for myself. John Mayer says that sentence is pretty cool on in your 20's and I can't disagree.

In my experience, this much good must balance. There must be sadness where there is joy and strife where there is simplicity. So, i can't help but wonder if I am now only waiting for the things about this life or this town that will bring me down or cause one of my trademark freak-out-do-overs. I don't want that. I believe now that I am creating a life I fit, and that I have had my fair share of do-overs. But how do I know? Sitting here tonight I find myself in an emotional flurry, partially over nothing. I wonder why and how I can do this to myself? Is it being a woman? Is it being a gemini? Do I just have the need to self-destruct a little every now and again in order to stay together?

As I get older, I try to break down the sad times into reasons. I often find the moments that I feel this way are based in nothing. So for tonight, here's the break down -- I don't like feeling ignored. I don't know why I assume that no response to a text or an email or a facebook note is someone purposefully ignoring me. My tendency to be paranoid is one of my most unhealthy emotional habits. So when two people who are important to me don't respond to my messages, I start to worry. When I start to worry, I start to over analyze. At that point I'm writing entire scary stories in my head. I'm 90% more calm and more grounded than I have been in my life Sometimes... It creeps in.

I believe that this is the life I want, these are friends I can trust, and this is a man that I could love for a very long time... but there are a few moments when I question, a few moments when the self-destructive, scared, and insecure girl that I have been most of my life climbs back out of the back of my brain and starts running things again. My life is not her life. I believe, and at this point in my life, I have begun to believe that believing can make things be, exist, happen.

So... after this long conversation with myself, my keyboard and whoever out there has the time to listen -- I believe. I'm ok. And, excitingly enough... I talked it out. I'm not sad. I'm just alone, and I like my own company. I'm a good time.

Back to Sex and The City, cheap white wine, and me.

The wheels on the bus...

2009-01-02T16:24:00.001-08:00

So I hate strollers. I HATE strollers.

I am an avid Disneyland fan; I'm pretty sure it's my favorite place on the planet. However, the few times I have been aggravated to the point of audible verbal response in The Magic Kingdom, have been caused by strollers. In New York, I hate strollers for usually the exact same reasons.

The subway, while it's an amazing way to get around and certainly far cheaper than Bart, can be frustrating, crowded, loud, and annoying. When you couple the already extensive crowds with people carrying strollers up and down the subway stairs, it's irritating beyond comparison.

Seriously? Your 7 year old does NOT need to be rolled around so you can ignore him. A stroller should also not be used as a substitute for a purse. Frankly, on the rare occation you are a parent who really needs your stupid baby buggy, you need to use the elevator. Haven't you ever read a newspaper, like... Ever? Carrying a stroller up or down escalators or stairs is dangerous. Though, rude as this might sound, is that, perhaps, the idea behind natural selection?

Carrying your child-filled contraption up the down side of a staircase has to be the most heinous offense.

You also make people miss their trains.

Hmph.

Belief builds from scratch...

2008-12-29T21:29:00.000-08:00

I have a tendency to see my life in song lyrics, I have talked about it before. When I sit and listen to music, I get drawn into songs in a similar way that I am drawn into movies and books and stories and fantasies. I put myself, people I know, or stories that touch me into the world the lyrics build and use it to access emotions and explain to myself the deeper details of how I feel. Or... I just like to be touched, to feel that the things in my heart relate to the world.

Just today, I updated my status with a new guy in my life in mind. He's amazing and I am constantly excited about him. So I find myself in this silly school girl state of needing to talk about it, about him, about this amazing feeling. I updated my status to "Good things fall apart so better things can fall together." which is something that Marilyn Monroe said. I believe that. A friend of mine from home commented that she hopes it to be true... and I got to thinking about hope and belief in general. I believe that belief makes things happen. If you can truly believe, in yourself, in your dreams, they can be accomplished.

It got me thinking about some song lyrics (here's where I tie it all together) that touch me. Gavin DeGraw has been in my head a lot, the first album has a few songs about new love, getting to know someone and that time in between the moment you meet and the time you are actually a couple that sparkles. The time with the butterflies.

A few of the lyrics I like from "Belief":

Belief, makes things real.
Makes things feel, feel alright.
Belief, makes things true.
Things like you, you and I....

Belief - Builds from scratch.
Doesn't have to relax, it doesn't need space.
Long live the queen and I'll be the king.
In the collar of grace.

I'm gonna yell it from the rooftops.
I'll wear a sign on my chest.
That's the least I can do, it's the least I can do.

Mr DeGraw often speaks to my emotions, I find myself lost in what he has to say often. Feeling sometimes as though he's speaking only to me, I will listen to a song that applies to my life over and over.

Right now it's "Over-Rated", "Crush", "Follow Through", and "Nice to Meet You". I'm not going to post all those lyrics. The internet can find them for you, I'm sure.

*yawn*

nite
a

ps. This is running through my head over and over:

I suppose that I could hold it in,
But you excite my every cell.
Sources say that senses are your friend,
My senses say that I should tell.

Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes...

2008-12-16T22:45:00.000-08:00

There's something more clarifying and breathtaking about snow than about rain.

Since High School English with Ms. Priego and the endless, labor-some explanations of the Hero's journey, I have felt as though rain was a sign. A rainfall felt like a call for change, for growth, or simply a chance to cry in which your tears did not have to be alone. I felt clean when it rained, and I often found the rain would clear my thoughts. I have had a lot of moments of clarity and realization since I moved to the city. A few of them have been in the midst of a summer rainfall.

My trip to work is an awkward one as far as the transportation goes, I have to take the express train to Columbus Circle and then walk a few blocks to a cross town train in order to get to the East Side. Oddly, I generally find myself grateful for the walk from one train to the next; it's a moment for me to enjoy the city. Columbus Circle is my favorite place in the city, what with the view of Central Park, the Time Warner Building, and just the New York hustle of that spot at all hours. That said, getting out and walking through it to my next destination, it's always a moment of clarity. In both directions on my trip today, my moment of clarity was filled with softly falling snow.

I realized how lucky I am not to be a native to this city and how I can still find myself entirely taken with the first snow. The little patches green in front of fancy hotels and restaurants, usually a small and sad impersonation of a garden, however well dressed they might be, remind me now of a tiny fairy-tale land, mini trees glittering as the orange street lights dance on the snow. I don't know if anyone who's lived here for a lifetime sees it like that. I have to wonder how long the novelty will last for me, and I sincerely hope it will last as long as I live in this city. I'm told over and over again that snow in New York is dirty and disgusting, only pretty for fleeting moments. I occasionally feel overwhelmed by everyone's negative picture of what weather in New York in like. I then find myself reminded with a snowflake stuck to my eyelashes, that there is a yin and a yang to everything. I would never trade the moments that make me smile in order to rid myself of that which I am less fond.

My moment of clarity for today was just this: Life is beautiful. There is so much to hate, to be frustrated by, to feel jealous of... but there is just as much to love, to revel in, to be amazed by. Many of those moments come in the form of a new job, moving across the country, falling in love... the big, life changing moments. However, today I was reminded, that there is also just snowfall, light, a strangers smile, friends, music...

Revel in the little stuff, it doesn't cost anything and it makes you feel like a million dollars.

Choose your own adventure...

2008-11-28T21:48:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that as I get deeper into my life here, it's hard to remember to blog. Here's what I think the reason could be: I have always been a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. So when things I are up in the air and I need to stop and think and breathe, I write a journal and work through things. When things seem good and easy, I am not as compelled to pick up a pen (or keyboard), as I am just taking the moments as they come. It's just a theory.

Walking to get candy for the staff at Bloomie's today, I stopped to look around at the Christmas windows, the decorations, the madness of Black Friday, the Tony Bennett xmas carols pouring out of the speakers, and I had a thought I seem to have about once a week. "Holy Shit. I fucking live in New York." It's so hard for me, even now -- nearly 6 months in, not to be amazed nearly every day. There is so much about living in this city that's constantly breathtaking. Be it standing on a corner, awash in 10 different languages, not one of them english, or standing amidst the hustle of the city in columbus circle on the friday after thanksgiving at 11 pm and just needing to stare. Walking to the subway, I had to stop and just watch. As I stood beneath the Time Warner building, a pretty piece of architecture in any light, but now full of huge colorful stars and surrounded by trees drenched in tiny white lights, I found myself momentarily mesmerized. I say to anyone who comes across this string of silly thoughts, if you take anything away from my ramblings, take this: Change your life. Just do it. Don't listen to the voices that say no or why not, just leap, make changes and with all your heart. If you're sure, if you just do -- the parachute will open, the ground won't be that hard. Leap and life will find you.

It was a good day.

Things in my life are good, and the things that could use some improvement are improving.

I choose to believe.

2008-11-11T13:33:00.000-08:00

So, it's been way too long since I posted something. I find myself sitting down to write and I have so much to say, I can't decided where to start. I have accomplished so much since I moved here, though there is still so much New York to see. I've been here just over 5 months, and December 3rd will be the official 6 month mark. I have a job that's become a career, a few people who'd I'd miss terribly if I left, a recent promotion to a new store, and I'm happy. New York made me happy.

I think it would be more accurate to say that I learned how to find my own happiness out here. Leaving people made me see I'd be missed; living somewhere so new forced me to get to know myself, and moreso, to like myself.

My mom used to tell me I could accomplish so much if I'd just focus, and being focused and sure of myself now.. I see her point. There's more to be done, and more hills yet to climb, but there's a lot to look back on. I find myself full of advice that I heard from someone else long before I understood it.

I'm pleased right now, life seems to be giving me what I ask for as long as I am honest with myself about what it is I want.

There's more to say, but that will do for now.

-- Post from my iPhone

Boys are dumb

2008-11-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know if there is anything more frustrating than being creepily stared at. I'm fairly certain "creepily" isn't a word, but it seems appropriate in this situation. I guess it either didn't happen in California, or I never noticed until I moved out here.

I'll be sitting on the subway and a man will sit across from me and lecherously stare at me; we're talking so intense and consistent of a stare that I will occationally look up and find my eyes drawn there unintentionally. This, of course, always makes the situation worse.

Ugh. Boys are dumb.

-- Post From My iPhone

tears on the sleeve of a man... don't wanna be a boy today

2008-10-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

How do you learn to close yourself off? How does one learn to shut out the people and events that aren't worth your time and energy. Would I have to completely change myself to become the kind of person that is strong enough to see when someone is bad for you? Do I even really need to see it? Isn't it enough to just build a wall and keep people out; it seems to be common that 9 out of 10 people will not come through, will not care, will not be there, don't have your best interests at heart... etc.

Marilyn Monroe said: "I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

Though I love that quote, and consider it words to live by for a smart woman, the idea of trusting no one but yourself seemed so cynical. It didn't seem real, I said to myself the first time I read it, "Well... that's just bitter sadness... you can trust some people"... and I think you can trust some people with some things. But not with your heart. I don't ever want to let anyone have my heart again. The more I'm hurt, every time someone lets me down, every time I realize someone didn't mean what they said or isn't who they seem to be, I think a little more... maybe it's better to be alone than to let people hurt you. Taking care of myself and protecting my heart is only my responsibility. Everyone else needs to take care of their own heart.

I think I just needed to write that down. I need some place I can go to see myself say in black and white that I will not continue to allow people inside my heart. Maybe I'll grow into someone a little colder... maybe this will only be a temporary place I am to heal... I want to be kind and good and optimistic and giving... but those qualities are not what anyone seems to gravitate to. So maybe I need a new m.o.

sigh.

Making stuff happen....

2008-10-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

Oh I have *such* a busy day ahead... but, for some reason, I felt I had to stop to blog.

Yesterday was busy and stressful and amazing -- and I think it was a singular day that is reflective of the last four months. This city will not stop for you or wait for you to catch your breath, but if you have the gumption to keep trying and to throw yourself into it's fire, the experience can be amazing. Because of a huge event last year at work, we had extremely large numbers we needed to anniversary, and because the 4th floor has been incredibly slow (due in part, in my opinion, to it's location in the store) -- it seemed a daunting task. Michelle, the manager of the 4th, asked me if I had any ideas and immediately I thought of a combination of the two events I spearheaded in California. There was the small and intimate class that I taught on basic makeup in Concord, and the MAC out loud (a trainer on a mic giving a makeup seminar to a bigger group) that we did in Hayward. Ellie and Veronica made me the Event Coordinator, and set me off.

I think it was incredibly successful. We wanted 10 appointments with a cap of 20, we got 15. The numbers were where we wanted them to be and it was just, all in all, an incredibly successful event. I was proud to be a part of that team and proud of myself. I realized also yesterday that I love my job. I'm not a doctor or a lawyer or a scientist, so sometimes I feel like my job is not incredibly impressive, but I make women feel good about themselves, and soon, as a leader or manager, I will be able to help my coworkers find their best skills and shine at their jobs too. I love to sing, I love to put makeup on people, but more than anything else, I love people. I love knowing something I did or was a part of made someone feel better. I also like finding solutions to problems.

Up and onward... there's always more to learn and more to be :)

Off to laundry... (SO MUCH LAUNDRY.....oy) and to set up my kit for fashion show, and try and clean my room a little...

2008-10-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

New York is, if nothing else, quite an experience. More than once in the last few days I have had an experience with a crazy person that was totally worth recording, and I just haven't had the patience or focus to get it out on paper. But, with a collective of things to say, as well as the guilt of having said nothing in 21 days, here I go...

Dustin left for West Virginia on Sunday, and Jordan, who'll be subletting his room, moved in on Monday. Not having Dustin in the house has been a shift in the energy. It's not good or bad, just different. I adore Jordan, though, and I think we could be good friends. I'm already missing Dustin, though. He brings me peace.

Jordan, Charlie and I decided tonight that we had to get out of the house. Sherry, a girl who lives a few floors up in our building invited me to come out and drink for her birthday, but we ended up deciding to head to our local watering hole, Coogan's. Now, I've been to Coogan's about 4-5 times now, and I think it's always a good time. There's something a little Cheers-y about it, the bartenders seem to know everyone, and it's very much a neighborhood bar. Tonight, since it wasn't the usual karaoke night, there was just about no one in the bar, so we were chatting it up with the bartenders. It was, all in all, a great night.

When we first get in, there's a woman at the bar making photo collages on placemats. Yeah, in a bar. By herself. She then proceeds to interrupt our conversation with silly questions at every opportunity. She was also wearing a shirt I'm pretty sure was made from stretch polyester she bought at Joanne's and just wrapped around herself and pinned. I don't know that it was actually a "shirt". Also, it was adorned with a handmade felt flower. You can't make this stuff up, people. She said to me, "You're a really beautiful woman, but you remind me of Amy Winehouse"... my favorite part of that sentence was the "but"... I could go on and on, she was full of funny sound bites, but I don't know that she's nearly as funny on paper.

Our neighborhood also has a dancer. There's this man who dances down the street at all times, and really -- he's not bad. He's usually got an ipod or walkman of some sort on, but sometimes he's just walking and dancing. When I say dancing, I'm talking full on, Janet Jackson music video style. It's intense. He's also really serious about being the Washington Heights Dancer. You'd have to see him to understand. I went to Wendy's the other day with no makeup on in a long sleve thermal and sweats.... and he was out dacin' it up, with a camcorder... somehow I ended up on film. I don't think it's going anywhere I need to worry about looking like death... but I really did look like death.

A couple of small personal realizations: I overuse both the :) emoticon and the ...... I should get new material.

Off to dreamland now.
L

I miss california wine.

2008-09-10T23:51:00.000-07:00

It's Fashion Week in New York, and the air is starting to chill. I'm excited to watch the seasons change, and at this current moment, I'm vowing to myself to blog more often. But I know myself well enough to be fairly certain my blogging patterns will remain rather consistent. I'm good for awhile, then shitty, then I totally forget... then I get all excited about it and the circle continues. Right now I'd really like to see the leaves turn in Central Park. If not before then, I know I'll have to blog about that. I'm so excited to watch the weather change. I'm excited about hats and scarves and gloves.

Today was a thoughtful day, sometimes I retreat into myself to find my way. Today was one of those days. "Some days when I'm far away in a lonely room in a cold seclusion" ...... It's interesting to me that I think in music.

Let me explain that.

Almost every significant person or event in my life corresponds to a song. Listening to lyrics will often bring an emotion or a memory to the surface in the same way a familiar smell can do. It's full and fast, and in one quick moment, I'm back in old shoes. Lyrics sometimes explain to me a thought I couldn't fully articulate to myself or to someone else, if they'll listen. I have used lyrics and songs and mix cds to communicate my whole life. Recently, as I get older, I have noticed that I'm not the only person who does that, and I get along best with others who have the same kind of relationship with music. And, the part about that which strikes me as most odd, is that some of those people don't know that's who they are. Some people can be taught to communicate in music, or the comprehend it but they don't speak it. This is all just my late night reflective observation, mind you, so it's likely to be corrupted by fatigue.

I'm going to be a person who can let go. I'm so close. I can taste it. Fully aware that the fact that my inability to move on from love, anger, heartbreak, etc, is my greatest weakness -- I have made it a mission to destroy it. I'm doing a damn good job. Really, when you think about it, most things that ruffle your feathers aren't worth holding on to. A good ruffle or a bad, 9 out of 10... not really worth it in the long run. Only hold on to the events that shake you, change you... the big deals. It's also totally ok to laugh at yourself, with others at yourself, and at others who can't laugh at themselves. Those things are all funny.

3:13 am -- a totally indecent hour, but totally worth getting some thought on paper.

Billy Joel is a genius, by the way. And check out "This is the Life" - Amy MacDonald.... she's amazing too.

nite
L

ps.

Some people stay far away from the door if there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside and hope that it just passes by
Some people live with the fear of a touch and the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone so nobody tells them a lie.

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you... but I'm not above
Making up for the love,
you've been denying you could ever feel
I'm not a above doing anything to restore your faith if I can

Some people see through the eyes of the old before they ever get a look at the young...
I'm only willing to hear you cry because I am an innocent man.

Again, Billy Joel, ladies and gents... a genius. I'm just saying.

Here where the daylight begins...

2008-08-31T16:42:00.000-07:00

I find the more immersed in New York I am, the harder it becomes to become objective and write about my experiences. I know that my blog is a jumble of experiences and emotions, but the more I go back and read, the more I come to find: That's me. I am a jumble of emotions, constantly looking for the next experience, looking to get my feet wet and my hands dirty. I like the way things feel when they are mine, but I often watch others create for fear my creation is unworthy.

If nothing else, living here is teaching me to create.

I'm going to my first New York audition on Friday, and I think it's a great chance to take my own advice. I find myself telling nervous performers 10 years my juniors that "it's just a chance to show your stuff, it's not about the job or the future, just this moment" I think that's important for me to remember for myself as much as it is to parrot to others. Truly, I am a singer at heart. Every chance to sing is like an oxygen tube for those that need to breathe, it makes me who I am, so I do it. That's that.

Philip and I walked around Central Park yesterday and it was, as per usual, breathtaking. Certainly, CP has to be one of man's greatest accomplishments. We stumbled (literally) onto Belvedere Castle, which was a lookout tower and is now a weather station. The little white spoon like pinwheel atop the tallest part of the structure could not help but remind me of Dad. There's so much I want to share with them when they come to visit. I really hope it's not just talk. I know they mean to come visit me, but I lived in that apartment in Alameda for a year and they never came to see it. Certainly, it's now a lot more of an event and an expense to come here to New York, and I of course have to be patient... (I did decide to move thousands of miles away from my family) but it would be nice to know for sure when they were coming.... or if they were coming. It's such an amazing city.

In order only to beat in into myself, I must repeat: This time is for me. This journey is for me. How can I be someone I'm proud of, until I am someone I can take care of? Every day I realize that the only love I need is mine. However, there's often the reminder that I'm a creature built to love, and though I work every day to love myself enough to be rid of this need to be loved, I will always have this desire to give. I just have to be a little bit more wary of who I give to. (Like say, not falling in love with men to whom you are invisible, or even worse "like their sister")

Every day is an adventure.

Every day is a lesson.

I'm excited that I still smile for no particular reason. I love that the nasty sweaty heat that drives others to swear and frown can't get me down. I feel blessed that I can remain positive though there seems to always be a barrage of negative energy around me. Nothing's going to get me down.

I'm lucky to be the kind of girl that can always see a silver lining.

A little music on a Monday night.

2008-08-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

So it's been a really long time since I have blogged. Though, by a really long time, I mean 13 days -- "long" might have been a slight exaggeration.

A lot can happen in this city in thirteen days, and I would say it certainly feels as though I can accomplish more in that span of time here than I could at home. As this adventure begins to pan out, it often takes me in directions I never could have expected or planned for. One of those places is Brett.

When I did Pippin back home, it was always a little breathtaking to watch our friendship blossom. Our spirits seem to identify, and we had no choice but to spend time together. There was always the hope that it was not a result of the stage romance, and was truly just the lucky meeting of two kindred spirits, and now, years later, I can see. Happily, he and I just seem to vibe -- each accepting, and more so understanding, of the others eccentricities. We've gotten to spend some time together, and he's a comfort on so many levels. His energy is calm, and that's a nice change from the frantic nature of the rest of my social circle. Beyond his ability to help me relax and see the big picture; he's also an entire different kind of comfort.

Only a few times in my life have I made an insta-friend like I did with him, and Lisa back home -- perhaps I might even lump Erin into that category, and leaving behind these people with whom I felt to "meant to be" friends with was very difficult. How ever, being closer to him is a chance to build this amazing friendship we set the foundation for years ago and never got to build because he left for New York. It seems like a circle of life or karma thing... :)

Beverly just came from home to audition for Maria in the West Side revival on Broadway. She stayed for a couple days, and it was incredibly nice to see her. We talked a little about how we feel as though we've know each other a lifetime, but really just met. I truly think of her as one of my dearest friends, but like I said about Lisa and Erin -- the friendship was more instinct than time. We've not really had that much time to get to know each other. It's people and events like this that make it very difficult not to believe in some sort of magic, or fate, or guidance from beyond... Nevertheless, having her here was like a breath of home. She gave me a little more center and reminded me what it feels like to be truly listened to. For that, it's been awhile.

********

I redid my entire room. With a little elbow grease and some incredibly helpful roommates, my loft bed is now a canopy bed. I also went to Target and purchased some pretty cheap bed and bath items for my room to give it my own flair, and it's now a place I love to be. Marcus had some extra curtains and some kind of Thai silk scarf that inspired the color theme I have decided to go with, and I am totally grateful for both the stuff and the inspiration. My room has a very Moulin Rouge feel to it -- it's certainly a Baz Luhrmann color scheme.

I forgot how much I love to entertain -- having a room that I like to show people, that I am proud of, that is tidy and well designed -- it's such a nice feeling. I can invite people into my space with excitement and pride. It makes a huge difference in the way I feel and the way it feels to come home.

I have a lot of feelings I am trying to process right now; things that keep me from blogging, because I don't have the capacity to expand of some of these thoughts that are eating at me. I know it will come. Patience is a virtue.

Until I can figure it out, I always have John Mayer, Matt Nathanon, Gavin DeGraw, Jason Mraz, and Tori; they get it.

There's a light in you platoon
I never seen a light move
LIke yours
Can do to Me
So now I'm wishing
For my best impression
of my best Angie Dickinson
But now I've got to worry
Cause boy you still look pretty
To me

.......

Who do you love?
Girl I see through, through your love
Who do you love, me or the thought of me?
Me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

......

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

Those are the songs running through my crazy brain.... Music makes me complete. Without it -- sometimes I just don't have anything to say.

If you just realize what I just realized....

2008-08-06T23:06:00.000-07:00

I have been staring at this screen for about 20 minutes. It's late, and, technically, I should be asleep.

Something in me knows I need to blog. I need to write to expunge the negative energy that's managed to penetrate the impervious and bring down this ever positive Pollyanna...

So I'll just write. No pre-composing. Train of thought. Stream of consciousness.

And in the spirit of stream of consciousness writing, I have to say, I think negative is not the right term. I'm not sad or lonely or angry, etc -- I'm ready. I'm ready to face all the stuff I ignore for fear of what it means. I have said I'm ready a lot. To myself, in my blogs, to my friends. It's part of why I picked up and just moved across the country. So, it's not much of a revelation, but what is -- is that I am done with people who aren't ready.

I have spent so much of my life pleasing other people, working to make relationships work, hoping coworkers or friends or lovers would like me, or like me more, or like me enough. Done.

I have spent a lot of my time wondering why I wasn't enough for a lover, and wishing I could be thinner or prettier, or shorter or more clever, and I wasted energy on people who never cared about me the way I cared about them. I no longer have the patience to wait for someone to see something in me. If you want me, you better be prepared to say so, because I'm no longer asking.

Growing up is scary as shit. But growing up is also amazing and informative and exciting. I may not like the responsibility and finality of children and marriage right now, and I may be fearful of the tiny lines that have just barely begun forming near my eyes, and annoyed with what I have not yet accomplished and frustrated with how far I still have to go.... however I'm also growing into a woman I enjoy being, and learning to live in skin I like, and learning to work for what I want (and enjoy it!), and hold my tongue, and speak my mind, smile for real, believe in myself.... these things are coming only with time, experience and age, and I feel lucky to be me these days. That's a new feeling.

Peanut and I had a long talk tonight about all the boy drama in my life right now, and he had some amazing and sweet things to say, it's nice to see myself through his eyes sometimes. I just want to be wanted, and I want to stop asking to be wanted. The new me knows I deserve to be wanted, but there's still one tiny little pygmy vampire fluttering around in my brain saying "If you don't play by everyone else's rules, you'll never be loved".

Fuck that voice. It's wrong. I just need to keep repeating that until I believe it. Fake it till you make it.

Good Coffee Every Morning

2008-07-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

Well, it might not have been the day off that I intended, but it certainly was a lovely day off. I think everyone has those days, where things don't go the way you've planed, but they go well nevertheless. (Random fact of the day: My step dad had a cat named Nevertheless.) Brett and I made plans to start our day at 2, which gave me the morning to laze about.

I got up, and I checked my myspace -- which seems to be something I physically have to do when I'm near a computer. Sometimes it feels more as though it's out of habit, than about a desire to be on myspace. I'm not alone in the compulsive need to know if anyone's communicated with me recently, I've seen it in others. We all constantly check our phones, emails, etc.

There was a new blog on Tony's page.
He's coming home.
Moment of shock.

After talking to him for a while, we talked about him coming to New York. It's such a magical place to start over, and I think he'd love it. So much happens here, and with all of his wild energy, there'd always be someplace to expend it. After a bit of the conversation, I began to think about what it would really be like to have him here. We were such a rollercoaster, so good, so bad.... Now that we've found this comfortable place to fall back into, I hope we don't lose sight of it. There's so much possibility with us, and really the only missing piece was the tangibility.

I remember how I felt during SATC, the way the whole movie was about forgiving and believing and meant to be and true love. And how he ran through my head in every moment and every speech about loss of love or friendship. I think too about the place I'm in now and the place I was in after we broke up. The healing has not been easy, losing him was like losing a piece of me, and I had to put myself back together. Though, I do believe that scars make you stronger.

At the very least, I'll have a friend in the city. Someone that makes me smile, and laugh, and with whom I can undoubtedly be nerdy. It'll be nice to have his laugh around.

It's just very surreal. Cool. But surreal.

The Great Divide

2008-07-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

I was in P.E. class. I was a sophomore in High School There was this theater girl whom I had just lost a role too named Peggy. She was a senior. I thought she was a total bitch. I can't remember what we were talking about, but I'll never forget she said something like, "You'll understand when you're my age."

"Wow... 18 to 15... Yeah, Peggy... that's a lot of difference." I thought with this sarcastic self assuredness that one only finds in a 15 year old.

A boyfriend who was 5 years older than I loved to tout that same mantra. I thought he was a self righteous ass too.

In both cases, I was incorrect.

The gap between each of our formative years is enormous. We're talking, miles wide. You don't see it till you get to the other side. Nothing about the experience of growing up happens in the manner one attributes to the connotation of the word "growing". Every cliched movie moment where someone talks about how you blink and years are over -- that came right out of reality. So, clearly, my observation is not original, but it's new to me. It's an interesting place to be in one's life.

I love my roommates. They are good, and kind, and sweet and funny. They are, however, on the other side of a canyon I have already crossed. Not only is it a journey I have made, but I have spent a lot of it looking over my shoulder. Recently I realized that's a bad idea. I like moving on. Bring on 30. Bring on growing up. All the changes in my life in the last 2 months have been the best changes. I welcome more. So, in that spirit, I have to keep to the goal, stick to the plan.

And, really, at this point the only solid detail to the plan is to figure out who I am and what I want... (I mean, let's face it folks, this was never really a detailed plan. I didn't even come here with a job, for crying out loud.)

Be it age, fatigue, or just a phase... I have come to need a little peace in my world. In my youth I expended so much energy on worry and sadness and insecurity, that I have little patience for them left -- in myself and in others.

I want to find the solution.
I want to see the sunshine.
I want to think.
I want to listen and be heard.
I think to the future.
I look on the bright side.
I want to be surrounded by people who do too.

I have spent what feels like an eternity spinning in dizzy, frantic circles, and I this point I'm ready to be still. So many people in their early 20's don't know how to be still. And, god bless them, they have the energy. I have the energy too -- I would just like to expend it on other activities.

2008-07-24T17:40:00.001-07:00

Again, today I styled my hair.
Again, the humidity is evil and ruined it.

The rain storm from last night lasted through the morning, and bringing an umbrella was not any help. The air is just wet. I wonder if there's more moisture here in the cooler months as well. I could ask someone I suppose...

Today was a lovely day at work. I find myself more enthralled with what I do every day. I moved here in large part to find myself, and in addition have found pieces of myself I allowed to lay dormant for so long. I love MAC, I love the culture, I love the artistry. There's something unparalleled about spending your days being creative. When you boil away all the excess, that's what I do, and because I am creative, people leave me feeling pretty. That's just neat.

Throwing myself head first into this career might be one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Focus and patience have never been my strongest suits ( ha ha ) but I am learning both. What you want is worth waiting for. Not only do I want a career I can be proud of and excited about, but someday I want to fall in love. I think one you work for and one you just let happen.

Up till now, I have been working for the wrong one.

Now is my time, personal time, career time, time to find me.

Hopefully after I find me, someone else will too.

xoxo
Lexie

"If its a broken part, replace it
If its a broken arm, then brace it
If its a broken heart, then face it"
-Jason Mraz

Walking through cheesecake...

2008-07-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

...that's what Gina said the weather felt like today, and I think it was a horribly accurate description.

Yeah, so anyone who reads this that's *not* familiar with humidity, take note, it's as gross as that concept is. Ew. I did my hair this morning for work and it was an entirely failed effort, I had update today so it didn't need to be perfect. However, I walked to the train and I opened my compact to check my eyeliner, and not only was my hair flat and sticking to my face but I had already melted off all my makeup.

The walk is about 6 minutes, give or take the ONE stoplight. UGH.

Update was a ton of fun, and it's always nice to meet new Mac Folk.

I got to sing with a jazz band at Plum tonight and that was a lot of fun. During the set, it started to POUR outside, I mean the kind of rain at the end of a slasher flick... lightening and thunder and cats and dogs and kitchen sinks. I found myself giggling at what a ridiculous sight I must have been walking in a jersy summer dress and flip flops in a thunderstorm. Upon my arrival home, I was the spitting image of a drowned rat. Like, seriously.

However, tomorrow is a big event at work and I need to look fab, so I'm heading to sleepy land.

What's with the straws?

2008-07-20T22:19:00.001-07:00

So in NY, any time you get a drink in a bottle or can from a vendor on the street, they give you a straw... why? It's a very odd phenomenon to me.

I saw a concert in central park today and it was an amazing day. I got a little color in the sun and hung out with some really choice girls. It takes a lot for a girl to really grow on me, and these girls are rather amazing. I was just commenting today on how in California, everyone's nice to you -- and that doesn't mean they like you. In NY, not everyone is nice, but if they are, they mean it. I like that end of the spectrum, and much prefer the reality of not being a total gossip.

Then I spent the evening with Peanut. We tried to see Dark Knight, but it was sold out till 11:30pm or later and he couldn't stay out that late. So we had a drink at Bar 41 on 41st and the cast of Rent was there. It was cool. I got to chat with Eden Espinosa, which I thought was extra cool since she's one of those singers I truly admire. Phil and I had a lot of laughs and then some serious talk about life -- that's our m.o.

I'm too tired to write more than that now, but I wanted to update.

Good Morning, Good Morning!

2008-07-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

Two useless thoughts.

It's ALWAYS hotter in my room than the rest of the house.... it's REALLY time for an air conditioner. I truly felt as though it was silly extraneous purchase. It's not. I literally need one.

The laundry in my building is not expensive or really (when one uses the elevator) very far away. That's a happy thought. I needed to do some laundry this morning and was DREADING it. It just wasn't that bad. Easy and fast, actually.

I used a lot of EMPHASIS in this blog.

Well, back to Pandora Radio and my curling iron for work.

Ta.

a few more little victories, little questions, less sleep, and bigger moments...

2008-07-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

Ugh... ten days. Too long.

So, New York news: I had my first "Probationary Review" at work, and it was stellar. They seem to really love me which is incredibly nice. It's nice to go to work every day and do something I know I'm good at. It's not like singing or theater where it's subjective, there's proof. My numbers are high and my customers like me. So -- that's real proof, right? Not to say by any means I don't love to sing and perform and love the wacky subjective nature of art, but it's nice to have a "day job" I can shine at.

My manager sent me with only a very select group to an event at Saks, and it was nice to be recognized so early on in the game. I'm not going to count my chickens though. I'm out here to make Lexie into a something. I'm this, half formed inkling of a person right now. Sounds so strange, I'm sure, but I just really feel like I'm on the verge of something. I know there are giant chunks of me that are figured out, but so much of it is like an impressionist painting I'm standing to close to. I know all the colors make shapes, but I'm not in a position to see what those shapes are just yet.

Danny and I talked again today, and he's (of course) going to see Dark Knight tonight. I was seriously thinking about going to the 3am show, but after the ridiculous day I had today, my body just won't cooperate. So, I'm on my way to bed once I get these rattling thoughts out of my head and into the ether. I'm sad not to see the movie at midnight on opening day, it's just the kind of movie that needs such an adventure. :) Danny will have to be my proxy for the night.

Oh Danny. How lucky I feel sometimes to have that friendship. It's such a perfect beautiful mess. Sometimes I feel as though I ought to be falling in love with him, sometimes I think I could someday love him, and sometimes I just don't think about him in terms of romantic love at all. The latter is never out of avoidance, but out of a lack of need. There's something so simple and pure about the way I feel about him. He's just a part of my life, and should be. However, there's seems to be such a draw to the idea of it blossoming someday into some kind of fairy-tale ending. So little of me believes in fairy-tale endings anymore, and so much of me knows that ruining this friendship that has proved to be my constant constant would break me. So, I find myself certain and entirely unsure about nothing and everything where he's concerned. I also know I'm lonely, and that I'm realizing that maybe I'm not the fiercely independent Samantha-Type I thought I was... perhaps an amalgam of that woman and a more down to earth, open hearted lover is where the chips will fall. I know I could be amazing to someone, but I don't think I could give without getting anymore. I've done it too much, and I'd rather be alone with my music and makeup and musings than chasing someone who's armor will never thin.

The truth of the matter is that Danny's 3000 miles away, and it won't be anything till it's something. So, I'm happy that it is whatever it is. I enjoy that we can muse about the future without toppling into it. I wish Anthony and I had found that balance. We talk sometimes, and though he's still in my fibers and under my skin, it's awkward. I want happiness and beauty for him, but talking to him just stings a little.

Central Park remains my sanctuary, and Brett introduced me to a new part of it this week, and it was magical. I find myself replenished when I leave that place, as though the time I spent was medication for the madness that has been living here. It's been a month and a half and every moment has been a joy, a wonder, or a lesson, with the occasional sad and nostalgic musings of home. I find myself feeling like this is my home, this place. I somehow am a part of things here, and I'm never entirely alone with the city breathing down my neck or singing me to sleep. There are possibilities around every corner and parties under tables and in trees. But, now that I have found a somewhere, it's a reminder that home is somewhere and someone(s). I don't say someone in only the traditional sense of love. I also realized that people are my home. There are little pieces of me that don't belong to me anymore, they live in Lisa and Erin and Danny, and my family. I'm making new friends, but I have to figure out what I have to give them. I certainly think there is a limit to what I can give, though I know I have not by any means begun to approach it. However, I know, too, that I cannot give what already belongs to another heart. I guess this is just my sappy and poetic way of saying how do I let people in without replacing anyone? There's a way... I just don't know it yet.

Right now, I am madly obsessed with Pandora radio, which I can get both on the internet and on a little app on my iphone. I have created a few stations, and the new music it plays for me based on what I like is extraordinary.

Well, after 17 hours of waking, 12 of which I spent without sitting down -- I'm collapsing as I type. So, I'm going to curl up in my humid summer in NYC bed and sleep through a night I should have been out being a nerd.

Goodnight moon.

A little Matt Nathanson for the road... this one sticks in my teeth right now:

This time, I'll be sailing
No more bailing boats for me
I'll be out there on the sea
Just my confidence and me

And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
But I'll learn to get by
On little victories

This time, I'll have no fear
I'll be standing strong and tall
Turn my back towards them all

And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
I'll learn to get by
And I'll learn to get by
On the little victories
And if the world decides to catch up with me
It's a little victory.

Details in the fabric....

2008-07-06T22:58:00.001-07:00

Calm down.
Deep breaths.
Get yourself dressed instead of running around
And pulling on your threads and breaking yourself up.

If it's a broken part, replace it, .
If it's a broken arm, then brace it.
If it's a broken heart, then face it.

Everything will be fine.

I woke up in a really good mood today, but the last few days have not been as good. It's lonely. I miss girls night with the girls that finish my sentences. I miss red wine and inane arguments about the details of art with the boy who calms me down. I love the way New York feels, the buzz, the hustle, the way everything is alive all the time. I love that I've become incredibly close to someone I may never have seen again if it weren't for weird coincidences. Life here is a constant tug between the excitement of the new and the terrible hole inside of me left by those I left behind.

There's no way to fast forward to the time where I am truly settled. I have to accept that the friendships I built at home took time and if there are to be new friendships here -- which undoubtedly there are -- they too, will take time. Starting over is so much easier as an intangible concept than it is as an action. I have decided to start over, and that means finding a way to love the people I love, but to open my heart to new love. But, just like boiling water, you can't look for results. I'm learning with every day how many opportunities there are to meet and enjoy the company of new people. Their fresh perspective is just what I need in my life.

So, I'm open. But, while I'm waiting... I'm going to use this time to get to know me -- something I have needed to do for a long time. I have to spend the rest of my life with her, so I might as well give it a go. We might even get along.

I fell right through the cracks, now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out, I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothings going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to
Win some or
Learn some.

(This blog contained a lot of Jason Mraz lyrics, just fyi)

Fire Flies

2008-07-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

I saw fire flies for the first time.

It made me feel like a little kid, they are quite an interesting little creature. The girls I was walking with were shocked that I'd never seen one before and shared stories about catching them as children. I'd seen that in movies, but it's different to hear people I know talk about having fire flies in jars. The only fire flies I'd ever seen were the tiny lights on top of wires in the first few moments of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disneyland.

This time I saw them flying around a garden on a walk to to East River. Some girls that I work with and I walked across a bridge to a place called Ward Island where we sat on the bank of the river and looked at the city. It was amazing. There's so much let still to see, and I've already been so amazed so many times.

I saw my first show on Broadway; I saw "In The Heights". I was quite impressed. I didn't get to see the creator, Lin-Manuel, but he was the only one who's understudy was on. It's very much traditional musical theater with a new music feel. I loved it.

I've often said I was going to write a sitcom someday, and I had no idea what the premise would be. I think it's going to be about a girl in her 20's in New York who lives with a bunch of gay guys. :) Wonder where I got that idea.

That's enough for now. I have huge important things to do... like watch So You Think You Can Dance. :)

Just another day in paradise...

2008-06-15T12:21:00.001-07:00

There's nothing like being acosted by a butterfly in central park to turn a frown upside down.

This morning was just one of those mornings; the ones where you'd like to just roll back into bed and wait for a fresh start tomorrow. I woke up late, which always throws my day off (and yet I continue to do it on such a regular basis!)

Then I decided because I have already been to Community (the restaurant at which Charlie works, ans the one I was meeting with John for brunch), well I just figured I could find it.

I was wrong.

I got lost, and then, literally out of nowhere, it began to pour. When I finally got to the restaurant, I was soaking wet, covered in bits of the trees I took cover under and 30 minutes late. It would have been enormously comical, had I not been so flustered.

Things immediatly started to look up, brush with John was lovley and Neil Patrick Harris was there, which was my first New York celebrity encounter. It was neat.

After brunch, I needed to unwind... So I walked to the park. As I walked, I began to dry. This park is amazing, I feel so peaceful and pleased with my decisions here. As I walked, the sin came out and filled a little clearing I was standing in, just as a butterfly flew around my head. A little surreal, but it was lovely.

Now I'm sitting on a rock, writing this on my phone as the rain starts up again, but the suns still shining.

Both literally and figuritivly.

xoxo
Lexie

"If its a broken part, replace it
If its a broken arm, then brace it
If its a broken heart, then face it"
-Jason Mraz

Hot Rain in the Summertime...

2008-06-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day of that god awful training.... thank heavens.

It was a fun day though, honestly, they took us on a tour of all the security facilities, and I got to have lunch with some of the girls in my training group, and it was nice to hang out with some new people. Though, this store is so big, I wonder how often I will really see any of them.

I took my nose ring out to makeup wipey my face last night and left it on the coffee table and now it's gone. My roommates like to clean and if the mess is not theirs, it just gets thrown away. It was likely thrown away. I'm incredibly sad about that.

I spent some time today with Brett, and it was nice to be reminded theater can be dramatic without being dramatic. I sometimes seriously question if I could do this for a living. I very often think perhaps I'm just cut out to do some cabaret singing or something. This business is full of things that make me crazy. Sometimes the good outweighs the bad -- sometimes it doesn't even come close.

On my way home from Brett's, I had to walk a few blocks in warm rain in flip flops. Walking in flipflops in the rain is GROSS. Walking in the hot rain in the summertime... is kinda lovely.

My first New York Cockroach!

2008-06-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

Upon walking home from work yesterday, I saw my first cockroach. And let me tell you, EW. Those things are nasty. It was on the sidewalk though, so I managed not to scream like a girl. They are just awfully large to be just out in the urban jungle... The only other times I have seen bugs that big is at say, the zoo. It was, however, very much another reminded that I really live in New York. I have yet to see a subway rat... but that's coming I'm sure.

Macy's training is boring, but that goes without saying. I had to watch a 20 minute training on children's sleepwear safety, and then take a quiz on it. That's... um.... not really all that relevant to selling makeup... but... whatever.

I miss my friends. I'm not really homesick, per se.... but I miss my little circle of best friends. It's hard to go from having a core circle of people who complete you to hanging out with a huge crowd of people you don't really know. All my friends here are new friends, or friends I'm not yet that close to. Which is not to say I have not met people here whom I could become close to, I'm just not there yet. My friends back home are my family, and I miss them.

So, other than being hot, some of the weather out here is insane!! My roommate Dustin and I went downtown to Blockheads for $3 margaritas and got caught in a downpour of warm rain, complete with thunder and lightening... it lasted for about 10 minutes, so we still made it to out destination on time. :) When we got home, this tree in front of the building next to ours had been ripped from the ground and was laying in the sidewalk. CRAZY. It didn't feel that windy, but it looked like there had been a tornado. I've included a picture for a frame of reference.

That's all for now, I get to see Brett today!! I'm crazy excited!!!!

Week One: Employed and Enthralled!

2008-06-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

So, all I have to say is wow.

This has been one of the craziest and most amazing weeks in my life. I can honestly say I have never felt so at home, so at peace, or so certain of myself. Part of the plan was to try and get a job with MAC, but that was going to require I wander around with my resume to every MAC location till I found one that was hiring.... so I applied at multiple cosmetics locations before I got here. My second day, I had a interview with Macy's Heralds Square for a cosmetics position. After they saw that I had MAC experience, they sent me downstairs to meet with the MAC management team. I felt really good about the interview and they asked me to come back on Friday in the morning for a makeup application. It went really well, and Ellie, the retail manager of the whole location told me that, provided my references checked out, she wanted to hire me on the spot.

Well, none of my references called her back, but she called me back in, and hired me anyways. I am now employed, working at MAC and incredibly excited!! (Though I have to go through Macy's register training first and that's a horrible pain. But.. it's just a couple days!!)

It's funny how much of this has felt like it was just meant to be.

Things that fell in my lap:

I wanted to work for MAC, interviewed with Macy's, and ended up with MAC
The position they hired me for -- opened the day I got to New York
They couldn't put me into Macy's training till the 23rd.... ouch. They called me last night and bumped my training up today.

It just feels like this is my time here and my time in general. I can't wait to solidify the woman I can feel myself becoming and find what my roommates call "my new york".

And now it's late and I'm off to bed. :)

PS. I'm so happy here.

forgiving myself...

2008-05-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

So I'm trying to get down to the heart of the matter... in a manner of speaking.

There's so much on my mind these days. Most of it is New York-centric, but there's a lot of emotions floating around my last big breakup. I can't seem to let go of the mistake(s) that I made, and some huge part of me can't let go. I know that, in a different situation, with a little forgiveness, he and I make total sense... but we're not in a different situation, we are who we are, and we are where we are.

I have never been someone who dealt with heartbreak well, and as I have gotten older I tend to be the kind of person who runs away from any situation in which I am vunerable. I don't particularly like to feel like someone has the power to break my heart, and I let that fear make my descisions a lot. I think now, I have to start deciding what I'm going to do based on what I want and not what I think is possible.

Going to New York is only for me. It's not about people's expectations of me, or what they'd like me to accomplish. It's about figuring out what I want, becoming the woman I want to be, and that I know that I am. As of late, and the last few days especially, I have spent a lot of my energy trying to figure out how to let go. Let go of my feelings for my ex, let go of my frustrations and anger with myself, let go of this place I am, both physically and emotionally. Because New York's not going to do it for me. It's a big, amazing city that will give me what I give it, but if I start this new life being sorry and sad, I'm bound to be sad for a long time to come.

So I'm sorry. I'm apologizing mostly to me... because I have apologized to the person I hurt, and he knows I'm sorry. And, oddly, though it doesn't seem like it now, I know he'll forgive me someday.

I promise to make every day in New York count. I promise to continue to look at this as just the first in many steps towards becoming who I want to be, for me.

That's all.

I have been listening to the India.Arie version of "Heart of the Matter"... and it's the perfect definition of how I'm feeling these days... so for the posterity of recording my feelings, here are some well written Don Henley lyrics:

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

Hangover induced ramblings about good friends...

2008-05-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

The countdown begins... or begun. Who knows?

I had dinner with my family last night, and was reminded why I feel so out of place here. Though I love them dearly, and I know they love me, there's just an extra connection between my mom and sister due to things in common and a common way of looking at the world that creates a bond I don't share. I don't feel as though they don't love me, I just feel like I need to grow up and get away and figure out who I really am.

Danny called and we ended up at the Alley on a tuesday, and that was quite nice. I might have had a little too much to drink, because I'd really like to be asleep right now, but I had a blast. I always have an amazing time with that boy. He lifts me up. Being friends with him has been such a new experience for me. He's not friends with me due to the amount of time we've known each other, or just because we have mutual friends. We have to work to find time to see each other, but we just make sense as friends. I feel simmilarly about Erin and Lisa, that they know and love grown up Lexie, and it's an entirely different kind of friendship. All my friendships are amazing, but it's a different connection you make when you meet as adults, and it's fascinating.

I'm happy to be leaving and growing up, but I have some amazing friends here.

Monday monday...

2008-05-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

So, I still have not sold my car, which is a little bit making my brain explode... but I'm in a really good mood today, though I am completely exhausted.

I also cut all my hair off, which is still shocking me, but it's a cute haircut and it'll grow out, and be much healthier once it grows... so that's happy.

I have way too many things running through my head to form intelligent thoughts right now... I'm a mess of emotion and worries and excitement and happiness and stress...

I wanna make some AWESOME appetizers for the party.

I need to get a keg.

I need a nap.

The Chris Cagle CD Rocks

2008-05-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

There's still a lot left to do before I go, the most important of which is sell my car. I think I'm going to have to spend the money and run it on autotrader till it sells, and I'll just change the number to Lisa's when I leave so she can show people the car. I also ought to have the mirror fixed and see what it would cost to replace the stolen hubcap. I hate cars. I'm so excited to be someone who doesn't drive. They are just moneypits.

Most of the other things left to do is to tightly pack and tape up the last 2-3 boxes worth of stuff so it can be shipped out to me. I'm incredibly happy that Dan offered to help with that, because I have given away so much of my stuff, I think it would be really hard to give away anything else.

I wish I was in a better place emotionally right now. I'm such a mix of feelings. On one hand, I'm excited and happy and proud of myself, and ready to take on this new adventure, whatever it brings. On the other hand, I am sad to leave the people I love and torn about some decisions I made months ago. I know that you can't live in the past, and so many sad things are often entirely for the best, but sometimes that's hard to see in the moment. I know that everything I am doing right now is a step in the right dicrection, a step in a healthy direction, and I'm stronger than I have ever been. That should be enough to make me proud. I suppose it really is.

I'm covering the front desk right now for the office I am temping at, mostly because there's nothing else for me to do. There's actually another girl who covers the phones, but they are having me do it, as they've run out of projects to give me. Someone gave me a stack of like 15 contracts to file and then was shocked when I was done quickly. That's funny to me. This is, however, not the MOST boring job I have worked in my life, so I guess I'm lucky to have something to do that doesn't make me want to tear the hair out of my head one at a time. Working at that boutique seriously made me insane; I have never been that bored.

I'm incredibly excited about spending sometime with the girls tonight and dyeing Erin's hair, I think all in all it will be a nice night. I'm hoping to find a not-too-expensive cute top to wear out this weekend, as it's been a really long time since I have been to the Rack.

I need to learn to make happier play lists on my itunes. :) When I was getting out of the Alameda apt, Dan came by and was like, "Why are you cleaning to sad music"... I didn't have an answer. I guess I just like sad music right now. I'm big into "I Don't Wanna Live" by Chris Cagle...

Yay for shopping and the big apple, boo for going back to doing nothing at this boring job.

Some days are better than others...

2008-05-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was fun, went to the Alley with Lisa... however, today I'm back at this booooooooring job and a little bit want to shoot myself. I also want to go shopping for something cute to wear to the rack...

Hmmm

A Case of the Mondays

2008-05-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

First of all I hate mondays.

I had a pretty nice weekend, though. Thursday was Joanna's birthday party at 1984 is SF and it was an awesome night. It was really nice to catch up with my girls and hang out in the city, it's been a little too long since we were all at the same event. I partied a little teeny bit hard and was rather exhausted the next day, but talked to Cel awhile about wedding locations. I can't believe sometimes that she's the first out of our crowd to be getting married.

Other than that, most of the weekend was uneventful, though we a Mother's Day Brunch in San Jose with the whole family, and it was nice to see everyone before I leave.

I'm just feeling so much in limbo right now. I dont' want to be in this temp job, I don't want to be on this coast, and I don't want it to be Monday.

Walking back from lunch today I started to think about what a mess of emotions I am right now. I'm so excited to leave, and when I think about it, I get so pleased and proud of myself for taking this leap... but I'm sad to leave my friends, and I'm scared of the summer. Summer is my time, I live the whole year for it, and now it's this big question mark. I'm also sad about things I should have let go of already. I have to wonder if things bother me because I'm truly attached to the people I miss or because I'm a problem solver and I love a challenge. I miss having someone dorky to make stupid jokes with. I think I'm just sad because the move is stressfull. I hope that's all it is, because I need to let go of these feelings... they aren't healthy and I know he doesnt miss me.

i'd never wanna see you unhappy,
i thought you'd want the same for me...

goodbye my almost lover
goodbye my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be
so long my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
should have known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do

Just another emotion I need to learn to shake off. I'm so much stronger than I have ever been, but it's not enough to make this go away. It'd be so nice to make this go away.

My New Years Resolution: More Blogging.

2008-05-07T11:22:00.000-07:00

... except that it's May. But, whatever. I need to stop waiting 8 months to blog, especially with the big move to New York. I'm going to want to record these things.

Currently I am working a pretty boring temp job that involves a lot of meanial shit no one else wants to do, but it pays and it's super flexible, and it's onlyfor another couple weeks.

I'm 26 days away from the big move now and its starting to feel incredibly real. I know I'll be sad at some point, but all I can think about is how friggin excited I am. I have spent the last 27 years feeling like I didn't belong, and something in me just knows that I belong in New York. There's theater and art and music, yes, and I will of course pursue the things I love, but I'm not going to go be a broadway star. I'm going to start over, to finalize this part of my growing up. To make the woman I've grown into a real person, I have to give her a new home.

I think a lot about choices and decisions I have made and realized only just recently that I have rarely made a decision in my life that was 100% based on my own needs or desires... I so often weigh out what I need or want against what someone else needs, Matt, my mom, my friends, my family, my sister. Last week we were planning my birthday dinner and I called everyone to make sure the restaurant I picked was ok. Avra thought that was hilarious, as it was for my birthday, it should be up to me. Silly.

Someone called me selfish a while back, and they said it in anger, so I'm sure it's little to do with me, but it really got me thinking about the choices I have made that were selfish and those that I have made that were not. The Not's outweigh the Were's, but I have still done some stuff that wasn't cool. But, it's all part of growing up, and I think I have learned from everything I regret. Honestly, I don't regret too much because it was all a lesson. I would love to take back anytime I've hurt someone, but other than that, my mistakes are part of who I am, and owning them makes me much stronger.

All in all, I'm excited and unstopable these days, and it's a great feeling.

Back to filing surveys... such is life

Performing and its cheers and woes

2007-09-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really have to ask myself why in god's name do I want ot be an actress? Yeah, it's entertaining, but there's so much drama and tears and stress and aches and pains that come with it. You can't just go and do what you do, devil be damned, you must through the most basic aspect of the process submit yourself and your creative expression to the criticism and often the will of others. Acting in a musical is not performance art. You don't get to just be what you'll be. There's an entire staff who's job it is to correct your mistakes and guide you in what they believe to be the right direction. Then there are your peers and fellow performers and their opinions, then the opinions of your family and loved ones, and god forbid you start listening to the reviews, or worse, USER reviews on ticket sites... I'm mean jesus, if Blanche DuBois always relied on the kindness of strangers, how the fuck did she ever get anywhere.

I just get so torn, a huge part of me enjoys the process, most of me even. But when someone or something gets in the way of my, as the vampire song says, "creative self expression" and I feel trapped, boxed in, or just plain not allowed to "do my thing", it ceases to be fun, becomes a chore and drains me of my joy and energy.

Here's the biggest problem with that: What happens if I get to do this for a living, will I be able to stand the jobs that I can't stand? Am I cut out to be criticized? Maybe yes, maybe not, but right now I am beginning to try to learn to let it roll away -- every year I feel a little thicker skinned, every year I feel a little older more mature, more apt to deal with depression and rejection... so I keep on keeping on.

And that's that for now, I suppose.

Has it really been a year?

2007-08-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

Sweet Jesus.... I can't even being to write down everything that's happened in the last year, but I can attempt to summarize:

Went on tour. It was Awesome.
Came home to loving boyfriend in shitty apartment in San Jose
Got New Job at Copier company.
Got Cast in TWO shows at ACLO this summer
Decided to try and get my equity card
Designed hair and makeup for first show: Went Great
Met Sean Forte during Cinderella: Made insta-friend.
Through a seemingly unfortunate event during Cinderella (that turned out not to be so unfortunate for my good-friends-for-life friend count) got close to Beverly Viljoen. She's awesome.
Moved to Fremont: Much better apartment.
Left New job for Newer job: Better Job: Ad Sales at Alameda Publishing Group. GOOD Job.

And that's my last like 10 months in a maddening nut-shell. ACLO this summer has been a bundle of family fun, as usual, and I have had a really great time. I am incredibly grateful for this little theater, it's lessons and friends... :) Lessons like: Learn your fucking lines for Kiss Me Kate before it's toooooo laaate! (ominous voice) So, that's this weeks drama, I'm frantically trying to play catchup from having decided to do two shows at once, and I am doing everything in my power to be where I should be with just a little more than 2 weeks to opening. I'll get there, it just feels like this huge anchor hanging over my head that might fall down and crush me at any minute. But it's not going to fall, and hell -- I'm a Fairy Godmother, right? I'll just POOF it into a feather. (And now I've officially lost my mind)

Anyway, life is good right now, crazy but good. The future looks achievable, my relationship is slowly baby-stepping it's way into the land of perfect (though I think it'll stop just short of that.... but that's really where it belongs.) And I'm finding new and interesting things about myself every day.

Being a woman is way more fun than being a little girl.

Though I have NO idea when I made THAT transition... wasn't it 6th grade like 3 days ago?

Ah Me.

Research, Headaches, and lyrical writers block

2006-09-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

blah.

So, I am sitting at my desk, researching different advertising and marketing opportunities in the cities we are taking the tour to, which is fun... but it's all I have been doing for 3 days. On top of that, I can't seem to get a good nights sleep, and I have been exhausted for days on end... so much so that I have a sleep-deprivation headache. That sucks.

I have band practice tonight, which is always fun, and I am excited about it. I wanted to finish 2 songs before pratice, but with the new job and the end of Aida, that didn't happen. Perhaps, however, I can do that inbetween research today. I have a little of each song -- which, is bad really, when you think about it, because it would be better to have finished an entire song than to have a little of each song... sigh.

after tonight things will be fine, because I can just GO TO SLEEP. Except there's a new Project Runway on tonight. Well, maybe I will nap, and then watch the show, and then go back to bed. I can't go missing a new PR when I had to wait 2 weeks for it!!!

New Job, Show Over, Gilmore Girls Premier and a Bottle of Red Wine

2006-09-26T17:19:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Not since Man of La Mancha has a show moved and changed me like Aida has. There's a kind of sad calm in my life now, as though something so huge is missing. It's like loosing a boyfriend or something. I went into those auditions thinking that role was written for me, and then as we got into it, I started to really doubt myself. The songs were harder than I thought, the technical aspects of the "Suit" costume were stressful. I have been going through this internal crisis, that I continue to plow through, though this show has really pushed me out of the tunnel and into the light.

I want to spend my life on stage. There are a million things I could do and be happy, and there are even a few things that I can do and make a lot of money. But -- if it's up to me, and I have the choice to spend my life doing what I want, it's performing, singing for people. There's nothing on earth like singing on a stage. And, honestly, Aida, the show, the role, the cast, the support of so many wonderful people, and I think for the first time ever, I honestly believe in myself. So, thanks for that.

The new job is fun, really laid back, and really interesting. I think that I am going to learn a ton from them, and after putting in some good time with them, if I am not working as an equity actress, I will have some great opportunities to work in marketing and PR. Perhaps I could be a publicist.

I'm excited about the Gilmore Girls premier tonight, and I'm excited about that new show, "Heros"

Goodbye little show, I've been happy here.

Good things, and bad things, and having no idea what to do.

2006-09-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

So....

Last night I was cast in the West Coast tour of "Meshuganutcracker", and I am incredibly excited. Not only am I going to get to see things I have never seen, like other cities -- I hate that I have never been anywhere. But, provided they still like me next year, I could end up getting my Equity card out of this, which is on my current 'Theater To-Do List".

The biggest problem with this is that it's going to conflict hugely with work, and I may have to quit my job because of it. That's a lot of risk, but that's what one does for this business, right? Take risks? I'm not good at risking things. I'm not good at taking a leap, and just believing that something will be there to break my fall. I tend to be of the thought, always go for the sure thing, but if I'm going to work as an actress, it's sketchy work. That's just how it is.

I want this so bad -- I want to be a working performer, and I know for a fact that if I put my mind to it, I could do that. But, it's about having faith in myself, really, and the more Ithink about it, I think that's what's held me back all these years. I'm not sure I believe that I can do this. But, I want it. So -- I have to start believeing.

Sigh.

Starting to feel in control... kinda.

2006-09-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

Ok.

So things, I think, are getting much better with the show. There an odd sort of solice is deciding not to allowing anything else to get in my way. I see how I want to react to the disasters, but I choose not to. I need to learn to do that on a regular basis, and not as a method of controlling that which seems to be spiraling out of control. I need to just not let it get that far in the first place.

"If you don't like your fate, change it. You are your own master, there are no shackles on you."

For a moment, I was starting to feel like all the little details were going to destroy the big picture, but, really, in theater -- we controll our big picture. If I want to let inescapable tech nonsense, silly wigs, zippers, and corsets distract me -- I can. If I want to man-up and focus past all the little stuff, I can do that too. I think some of it must be about believing in your own capacity to do more. I often tell myself I can't do things and I think, sometimes, it is just my lack of faith that makes it so.

So, I am starting to have faith in myself, we'll see how long that lasts.

It's always a rollercoaster with me.

The madness of live theater.

2006-09-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

So last night was a bit of a mess....

There are so many set pieces that we can barely fit people off stage in the wings, and just about everyones entrances and exits have to be very specifically choreographed, and even then, they are a little dangerous. And, frankly, there are too many people backstage, and they all think they know best.

And the museum case almost came toppeling down on my head. That was awesome.

So, the show seems to be coming together, in all honesty. There is set drama, and costume drama, but over all, there's a lot of talent -- and this madness is what tech week is all about, right? There's always major obstacles to overcome, and they are always over come. A lot can happen in 4-5 days.

As far as my performance goes, it's feeling very hot and cold. I have moments where I feel really good, and moments where I feel stiff and fake. I'm not really sure how to fall into step, over than just to stay focused and cool, and try not to let all the costume drama get my in over my head. The corset, and all the clothes, and tonight, all the wigs -- it's just realy oer whelming. It's funny, maybe I can draw from that too, to help create her. She is overwhelmed by the duties of being a princess, and I am overwhelmed by these clothes.

This whole process has been rough, I have learned more and more over the past few days, that not everyone is your friend, and not everyone means well. Not matter how sweet theater people can be, I need to learn to keep my guard up, to let people come to me. I want so much to prove that I am not a bitch or a diva, that I put way too much of myself out there. I need to learn to stay internal, and quiet, and let people come to me. Really, if someone thinks I'm a bitch because I am guarded, then they don't know me, and their opinion shouldn't hold so much water to me.

No one's opinion of me should be as important to me as it is. I need to learn to just like myself, and not give a fuck if anyone else does. But that's really hard.

Deep breath. :)

Gotta just grab life by the horns...

2006-08-31T14:36:00.000-07:00

Time to buckle down -- time to make things happen.

On the largest scale, I can't keep waiting for the world to strike me with good fortune and I have to make something happen. The weight is going, that's been decided. From now on, I am auditioning for points, I am working towards a card. I am going to start making money at this. I am. It's that simple.

On a smaller scale, I am NOT going to let that song scare me any more. I'm going to own it, and love it, and breathe through it. I am not going to be mediocre because of fear, I'm just not.

And That's That.

Today is, where your book begins...

2006-08-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

My big inspriational song right now is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. There's something about not only the simple, but powerful words, and melody always remind me of everything I still have ahead of me, and everything that I can do if I put my mind to it.

There's no reason to continue to be unhappy in my own skin. I think the only things that are keeping me from being happy are my own inhibitions, I tend to allow all the negativity in the world to drown me. I find a reason why it's unfair that I have to work so hard for the body I want, and I cling to it while I ignore everything I know.

Matt always says all you have to do is figure out what you want, and focus on it, it's all so easy for him. I always say "It's just not that easy for me" -- but what if it is. What if it's just about focus and the decision that food is irrelevant. That, food as entertainment, will always be terrible for me, and not beause I can't eat the food I want, but because I can't let food be my reason for doing things. And more than that, I have to learn to want the future more than I want today.

That goes for everything in my life. I need to learn that good things come to those who work ad wait. I think something that's always holding me back is this fear that it's not just being the wrong type that's holding me back, that I am going to lose this weight and still not be quite good enough -- but that's just not the case. This is all about hard work -- dirty words for me. I just need to work for what I want, theater, thin, smart, emotionally strong. These are all things I can have, and have found I can create in myself in small doses, why not change completely?

I started to type "I think I can.." -- I have to stop 'thinking' I can do things, and jsut accomplish them. I can. I'm going to. Here goes.

I am unwritten. Can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just begining, the pens in my hand, ending unplanned.

Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window.
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find.
Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it.
Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin.

No one else can feel it for you, no one else can let it in.
No one else, no one else, can speak the words on your lips.
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with eyes wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned, to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with eyes wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten........

Venus and Mars

2006-08-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

Why am I so fucking emotional?? WHY??

It doesn't relaly matter what the situation, but when Matt and I quibble over something tiny, I always end up feeling so hurt, and so confinced that my feelings aren't being considered. Then, I analyze the situation, and realize that, while he might have been a little calous, I really was over reacting. Why can't I see that while it's happening, why can't I catch on before I start getting all teary and hurt?

Granted there are many times where he just isn't really listening to me, or doesn't understand me -- so he gets frustrated, and even though he's unlikely to admit it, he's snotty. Many times I have tried to explain why tone of voice is important with me, and the usual response is, well all I said was "insert-benign-phrase-in-calm-voice-here", and I always have to rebut with, "But that's not *how* you said it"... and then we get into the same circle of his not understanding what his tone of voice even was, and me not understanding how he can't understand. It's vicious, but it's never over anything of import.

So, how do I learn that he doesn't mean any harm -- because, now in the quiet after the storm, I can see what he was trying to get at -- I would have said it entirely different (and therin lies the rub) -- but I still get what he meant. And I feel as though, though I had a point, there was no need to get so hurt and frustrated.... but when it's happening, I can't see it at all. And he finds resolve so quickly, I get upset, and I can't let go, I just have to talk it to death. He can just say "Let's drop it" -- and really, genuinely, be done. He's over it, it's not bothering him anymore. I, on the other hand, are frantically trying to drop it, and ignore the racing thoughts of everything I still feel and want to say that won't stop going and going and going...

Why can't I calm down -- I feel like a snowball when I'm hurt, the emotions are just going to go where they are going to go, and go away when they so desire. The consequences are, though he can be a buttface and a little bit selfish, he almost always either meant well or was unaware of it entirely, and all I needed to do to avoid the fight was stay calm....

Sometimes I think I must need prozac. Sometimes I think I'm actually crazy.

I don't know that either of those thoughts are productive or problem solving.

Grr.

Finding Amneris and other short stories...

2006-08-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

So, I feel like last night went much better. I certainly have a better feel for the levels I want in the show, and I am starting to really understand her.

Derrick, Jeff and Nicole and I were talking about characters a lot last night, and about how women can love men that they don't understand -- love comes so much easier to us sometimes. Derrick was saying that there's nothing Amneris can love about Radames because she doesn't understand him, and she's forcing him to stay home, and if you really love someone, you want them to do what makes them happy. This is so true, but I also think that, as a woman, you can genuinely believe (usually to your detriment) that he "doesn't really know what would make him happy" and that you can "make him see" that you are what's right for him.

I think that's how she feels -- I think she thinks a lot like Scarlett O'Hara, and she'll "Think about that tomorrow"...

Those are my thoughts right now... more to follow. :)

Seriously... Fungus?... really?

2006-08-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

Ok -- so, I have been tanning for Aida, and I have started to notice just a few dimesized patches of skin that, while they still tan, do not tan as fast as the rest of my body. And so I asked... uhhhh what is that?

And the girl said it's a FUNGUS!! And you cure it by using Selsun Blue as body wash...

So I look it up online, and SURE ENOUGH it's a FUNGUS. EW. Just so much EW. Like, apparently it's relaly common and normal, and everyone has it, just some people have more of it, and it likes heat and sweat, so I could just be making it worse by tanning in a bed, and were I to have tanned in the sun and not gotten quite so hot and sweaty, it might not have formed... buuuuut there it is, looking like 3-4 harmless little light colored patches of skin... but, I KNOW WHAT it REALLY is...

I immediately bought some Selsun Blue and will be showering BEFORE rehearsal.

Yuck.

My New Headshot

2006-08-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

Questions... comments... concerns?

There's no business...

2006-08-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have come to the offical decision that I hate the last couple weeks before tech week. Or maybe that's just this show.

I am just feeling so disjointed about the entire show. It's not just finding a flow to the show, and figuring out my arc, but it's just my character in general. So many aspects of her I feel like I totally understand, and so many of them are just still so intangible to me. I just don't think I am particularly elegant or graceful. I don't think that people who know me who use those words to describe me, and I think there's something missing in my general physicality and posture and such. I wasn't raised as a princess, and I am a goofy comedienne.

I did "I Know the Truth" for the first time on tuesday, and though I had worked it vocally -- it was not at all what I wanted. My voice, like my body has been so dehydrated and tired lately, that I find myself just "done" so much earlier on than I used to be. I think I realy just need to start getting a good night sleep every night -- and I need to drink more water. As much as it helps me to function, I really think the caffine over kill is causing havoc with the chords. :( Besides the fact that it felt a 1/2 step lower than I had been working it -- I just wanted it to be a little more still, but I found myself moving more than I meant to. I don't really know where it came from, perhaps it was the emotion of the song -- or the weirdness of the key. Not sure.

There has been a "moment" in almost every role I have had in the last few years, where everything clicked, fell into place, became clear to me. Where I found my step, found my niche -- and it's usually about now, a couple weeks before the show goes up.... and it's not here, and I'm panicking.

I am actually wondering if I am going to be any good -- I know my singing will be fine, the ending fine... but what about in between?? -- I just wonder if I have enough time left to really find her, and do her justice.

hmm.