Waiting for the other shoe to drop....
As I sit in my living room, a little saturated in cheap white wine and watching an episode of Sex and the City I have seen umpteen times, I got to thinking about my tendency to look for trouble. The last 7, now closing in on 8, months of my life have been, in one word: amazing. I moved to New York and found a great job, a handful of amazing friends, a pretty apartment, and a life that felt for the first time in my life, like my own. I have a life I built. I made my life happen for myself. John Mayer says that sentence is pretty cool on in your 20's and I can't disagree.
In my experience, this much good must balance. There must be sadness where there is joy and strife where there is simplicity. So, i can't help but wonder if I am now only waiting for the things about this life or this town that will bring me down or cause one of my trademark freak-out-do-overs. I don't want that. I believe now that I am creating a life I fit, and that I have had my fair share of do-overs. But how do I know? Sitting here tonight I find myself in an emotional flurry, partially over nothing. I wonder why and how I can do this to myself? Is it being a woman? Is it being a gemini? Do I just have the need to self-destruct a little every now and again in order to stay together?
As I get older, I try to break down the sad times into reasons. I often find the moments that I feel this way are based in nothing. So for tonight, here's the break down -- I don't like feeling ignored. I don't know why I assume that no response to a text or an email or a facebook note is someone purposefully ignoring me. My tendency to be paranoid is one of my most unhealthy emotional habits. So when two people who are important to me don't respond to my messages, I start to worry. When I start to worry, I start to over analyze. At that point I'm writing entire scary stories in my head. I'm 90% more calm and more grounded than I have been in my life Sometimes... It creeps in.
I believe that this is the life I want, these are friends I can trust, and this is a man that I could love for a very long time... but there are a few moments when I question, a few moments when the self-destructive, scared, and insecure girl that I have been most of my life climbs back out of the back of my brain and starts running things again. My life is not her life. I believe, and at this point in my life, I have begun to believe that believing can make things be, exist, happen.
So... after this long conversation with myself, my keyboard and whoever out there has the time to listen -- I believe. I'm ok. And, excitingly enough... I talked it out. I'm not sad. I'm just alone, and I like my own company. I'm a good time.
Back to Sex and The City, cheap white wine, and me.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Friday, January 02, 2009
The wheels on the bus...
So I hate strollers. I HATE strollers.
I am an avid Disneyland fan; I'm pretty sure it's my favorite place on the planet. However, the few times I have been aggravated to the point of audible verbal response in The Magic Kingdom, have been caused by strollers. In New York, I hate strollers for usually the exact same reasons.
The subway, while it's an amazing way to get around and certainly far cheaper than Bart, can be frustrating, crowded, loud, and annoying. When you couple the already extensive crowds with people carrying strollers up and down the subway stairs, it's irritating beyond comparison.
Seriously? Your 7 year old does NOT need to be rolled around so you can ignore him. A stroller should also not be used as a substitute for a purse. Frankly, on the rare occation you are a parent who really needs your stupid baby buggy, you need to use the elevator. Haven't you ever read a newspaper, like... Ever? Carrying a stroller up or down escalators or stairs is dangerous. Though, rude as this might sound, is that, perhaps, the idea behind natural selection?
Carrying your child-filled contraption up the down side of a staircase has to be the most heinous offense.
You also make people miss their trains.
Hmph.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Belief builds from scratch...
I have a tendency to see my life in song lyrics, I have talked about it before. When I sit and listen to music, I get drawn into songs in a similar way that I am drawn into movies and books and stories and fantasies. I put myself, people I know, or stories that touch me into the world the lyrics build and use it to access emotions and explain to myself the deeper details of how I feel. Or... I just like to be touched, to feel that the things in my heart relate to the world.
Just today, I updated my status with a new guy in my life in mind. He's amazing and I am constantly excited about him. So I find myself in this silly school girl state of needing to talk about it, about him, about this amazing feeling. I updated my status to "Good things fall apart so better things can fall together." which is something that Marilyn Monroe said. I believe that. A friend of mine from home commented that she hopes it to be true... and I got to thinking about hope and belief in general. I believe that belief makes things happen. If you can truly believe, in yourself, in your dreams, they can be accomplished.
It got me thinking about some song lyrics (here's where I tie it all together) that touch me. Gavin DeGraw has been in my head a lot, the first album has a few songs about new love, getting to know someone and that time in between the moment you meet and the time you are actually a couple that sparkles. The time with the butterflies.
A few of the lyrics I like from "Belief":
Belief, makes things real.
Makes things feel, feel alright.
Belief, makes things true.
Things like you, you and I....
Belief - Builds from scratch.
Doesn't have to relax, it doesn't need space.
Long live the queen and I'll be the king.
In the collar of grace.
I'm gonna yell it from the rooftops.
I'll wear a sign on my chest.
That's the least I can do, it's the least I can do.
Mr DeGraw often speaks to my emotions, I find myself lost in what he has to say often. Feeling sometimes as though he's speaking only to me, I will listen to a song that applies to my life over and over.
Right now it's "Over-Rated", "Crush", "Follow Through", and "Nice to Meet You". I'm not going to post all those lyrics. The internet can find them for you, I'm sure.
*yawn*
nite
a
ps. This is running through my head over and over:
I suppose that I could hold it in,
But you excite my every cell.
Sources say that senses are your friend,
My senses say that I should tell.
Just today, I updated my status with a new guy in my life in mind. He's amazing and I am constantly excited about him. So I find myself in this silly school girl state of needing to talk about it, about him, about this amazing feeling. I updated my status to "Good things fall apart so better things can fall together." which is something that Marilyn Monroe said. I believe that. A friend of mine from home commented that she hopes it to be true... and I got to thinking about hope and belief in general. I believe that belief makes things happen. If you can truly believe, in yourself, in your dreams, they can be accomplished.
It got me thinking about some song lyrics (here's where I tie it all together) that touch me. Gavin DeGraw has been in my head a lot, the first album has a few songs about new love, getting to know someone and that time in between the moment you meet and the time you are actually a couple that sparkles. The time with the butterflies.
A few of the lyrics I like from "Belief":
Belief, makes things real.
Makes things feel, feel alright.
Belief, makes things true.
Things like you, you and I....
Belief - Builds from scratch.
Doesn't have to relax, it doesn't need space.
Long live the queen and I'll be the king.
In the collar of grace.
I'm gonna yell it from the rooftops.
I'll wear a sign on my chest.
That's the least I can do, it's the least I can do.
Mr DeGraw often speaks to my emotions, I find myself lost in what he has to say often. Feeling sometimes as though he's speaking only to me, I will listen to a song that applies to my life over and over.
Right now it's "Over-Rated", "Crush", "Follow Through", and "Nice to Meet You". I'm not going to post all those lyrics. The internet can find them for you, I'm sure.
*yawn*
nite
a
ps. This is running through my head over and over:
I suppose that I could hold it in,
But you excite my every cell.
Sources say that senses are your friend,
My senses say that I should tell.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes...
There's something more clarifying and breathtaking about snow than about rain.
Since High School English with Ms. Priego and the endless, labor-some explanations of the Hero's journey, I have felt as though rain was a sign. A rainfall felt like a call for change, for growth, or simply a chance to cry in which your tears did not have to be alone. I felt clean when it rained, and I often found the rain would clear my thoughts. I have had a lot of moments of clarity and realization since I moved to the city. A few of them have been in the midst of a summer rainfall.
My trip to work is an awkward one as far as the transportation goes, I have to take the express train to Columbus Circle and then walk a few blocks to a cross town train in order to get to the East Side. Oddly, I generally find myself grateful for the walk from one train to the next; it's a moment for me to enjoy the city. Columbus Circle is my favorite place in the city, what with the view of Central Park, the Time Warner Building, and just the New York hustle of that spot at all hours. That said, getting out and walking through it to my next destination, it's always a moment of clarity. In both directions on my trip today, my moment of clarity was filled with softly falling snow.
I realized how lucky I am not to be a native to this city and how I can still find myself entirely taken with the first snow. The little patches green in front of fancy hotels and restaurants, usually a small and sad impersonation of a garden, however well dressed they might be, remind me now of a tiny fairy-tale land, mini trees glittering as the orange street lights dance on the snow. I don't know if anyone who's lived here for a lifetime sees it like that. I have to wonder how long the novelty will last for me, and I sincerely hope it will last as long as I live in this city. I'm told over and over again that snow in New York is dirty and disgusting, only pretty for fleeting moments. I occasionally feel overwhelmed by everyone's negative picture of what weather in New York in like. I then find myself reminded with a snowflake stuck to my eyelashes, that there is a yin and a yang to everything. I would never trade the moments that make me smile in order to rid myself of that which I am less fond.
My moment of clarity for today was just this: Life is beautiful. There is so much to hate, to be frustrated by, to feel jealous of... but there is just as much to love, to revel in, to be amazed by. Many of those moments come in the form of a new job, moving across the country, falling in love... the big, life changing moments. However, today I was reminded, that there is also just snowfall, light, a strangers smile, friends, music...
Revel in the little stuff, it doesn't cost anything and it makes you feel like a million dollars.
Since High School English with Ms. Priego and the endless, labor-some explanations of the Hero's journey, I have felt as though rain was a sign. A rainfall felt like a call for change, for growth, or simply a chance to cry in which your tears did not have to be alone. I felt clean when it rained, and I often found the rain would clear my thoughts. I have had a lot of moments of clarity and realization since I moved to the city. A few of them have been in the midst of a summer rainfall.
My trip to work is an awkward one as far as the transportation goes, I have to take the express train to Columbus Circle and then walk a few blocks to a cross town train in order to get to the East Side. Oddly, I generally find myself grateful for the walk from one train to the next; it's a moment for me to enjoy the city. Columbus Circle is my favorite place in the city, what with the view of Central Park, the Time Warner Building, and just the New York hustle of that spot at all hours. That said, getting out and walking through it to my next destination, it's always a moment of clarity. In both directions on my trip today, my moment of clarity was filled with softly falling snow.
I realized how lucky I am not to be a native to this city and how I can still find myself entirely taken with the first snow. The little patches green in front of fancy hotels and restaurants, usually a small and sad impersonation of a garden, however well dressed they might be, remind me now of a tiny fairy-tale land, mini trees glittering as the orange street lights dance on the snow. I don't know if anyone who's lived here for a lifetime sees it like that. I have to wonder how long the novelty will last for me, and I sincerely hope it will last as long as I live in this city. I'm told over and over again that snow in New York is dirty and disgusting, only pretty for fleeting moments. I occasionally feel overwhelmed by everyone's negative picture of what weather in New York in like. I then find myself reminded with a snowflake stuck to my eyelashes, that there is a yin and a yang to everything. I would never trade the moments that make me smile in order to rid myself of that which I am less fond.
My moment of clarity for today was just this: Life is beautiful. There is so much to hate, to be frustrated by, to feel jealous of... but there is just as much to love, to revel in, to be amazed by. Many of those moments come in the form of a new job, moving across the country, falling in love... the big, life changing moments. However, today I was reminded, that there is also just snowfall, light, a strangers smile, friends, music...
Revel in the little stuff, it doesn't cost anything and it makes you feel like a million dollars.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Choose your own adventure...
I've noticed that as I get deeper into my life here, it's hard to remember to blog. Here's what I think the reason could be: I have always been a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. So when things I are up in the air and I need to stop and think and breathe, I write a journal and work through things. When things seem good and easy, I am not as compelled to pick up a pen (or keyboard), as I am just taking the moments as they come. It's just a theory.
Walking to get candy for the staff at Bloomie's today, I stopped to look around at the Christmas windows, the decorations, the madness of Black Friday, the Tony Bennett xmas carols pouring out of the speakers, and I had a thought I seem to have about once a week. "Holy Shit. I fucking live in New York." It's so hard for me, even now -- nearly 6 months in, not to be amazed nearly every day. There is so much about living in this city that's constantly breathtaking. Be it standing on a corner, awash in 10 different languages, not one of them english, or standing amidst the hustle of the city in columbus circle on the friday after thanksgiving at 11 pm and just needing to stare. Walking to the subway, I had to stop and just watch. As I stood beneath the Time Warner building, a pretty piece of architecture in any light, but now full of huge colorful stars and surrounded by trees drenched in tiny white lights, I found myself momentarily mesmerized. I say to anyone who comes across this string of silly thoughts, if you take anything away from my ramblings, take this: Change your life. Just do it. Don't listen to the voices that say no or why not, just leap, make changes and with all your heart. If you're sure, if you just do -- the parachute will open, the ground won't be that hard. Leap and life will find you.
It was a good day.
Things in my life are good, and the things that could use some improvement are improving.
I choose to believe.
Walking to get candy for the staff at Bloomie's today, I stopped to look around at the Christmas windows, the decorations, the madness of Black Friday, the Tony Bennett xmas carols pouring out of the speakers, and I had a thought I seem to have about once a week. "Holy Shit. I fucking live in New York." It's so hard for me, even now -- nearly 6 months in, not to be amazed nearly every day. There is so much about living in this city that's constantly breathtaking. Be it standing on a corner, awash in 10 different languages, not one of them english, or standing amidst the hustle of the city in columbus circle on the friday after thanksgiving at 11 pm and just needing to stare. Walking to the subway, I had to stop and just watch. As I stood beneath the Time Warner building, a pretty piece of architecture in any light, but now full of huge colorful stars and surrounded by trees drenched in tiny white lights, I found myself momentarily mesmerized. I say to anyone who comes across this string of silly thoughts, if you take anything away from my ramblings, take this: Change your life. Just do it. Don't listen to the voices that say no or why not, just leap, make changes and with all your heart. If you're sure, if you just do -- the parachute will open, the ground won't be that hard. Leap and life will find you.
It was a good day.
Things in my life are good, and the things that could use some improvement are improving.
I choose to believe.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
So, it's been way too long since I posted something. I find myself sitting down to write and I have so much to say, I can't decided where to start. I have accomplished so much since I moved here, though there is still so much New York to see. I've been here just over 5 months, and December 3rd will be the official 6 month mark. I have a job that's become a career, a few people who'd I'd miss terribly if I left, a recent promotion to a new store, and I'm happy. New York made me happy.
I think it would be more accurate to say that I learned how to find my own happiness out here. Leaving people made me see I'd be missed; living somewhere so new forced me to get to know myself, and moreso, to like myself.
My mom used to tell me I could accomplish so much if I'd just focus, and being focused and sure of myself now.. I see her point. There's more to be done, and more hills yet to climb, but there's a lot to look back on. I find myself full of advice that I heard from someone else long before I understood it.
I'm pleased right now, life seems to be giving me what I ask for as long as I am honest with myself about what it is I want.
There's more to say, but that will do for now.
-- Post from my iPhone
I think it would be more accurate to say that I learned how to find my own happiness out here. Leaving people made me see I'd be missed; living somewhere so new forced me to get to know myself, and moreso, to like myself.
My mom used to tell me I could accomplish so much if I'd just focus, and being focused and sure of myself now.. I see her point. There's more to be done, and more hills yet to climb, but there's a lot to look back on. I find myself full of advice that I heard from someone else long before I understood it.
I'm pleased right now, life seems to be giving me what I ask for as long as I am honest with myself about what it is I want.
There's more to say, but that will do for now.
-- Post from my iPhone
Boys are dumb
I don't know if there is anything more frustrating than being creepily stared at. I'm fairly certain "creepily" isn't a word, but it seems appropriate in this situation. I guess it either didn't happen in California, or I never noticed until I moved out here.
I'll be sitting on the subway and a man will sit across from me and lecherously stare at me; we're talking so intense and consistent of a stare that I will occationally look up and find my eyes drawn there unintentionally. This, of course, always makes the situation worse.
Ugh. Boys are dumb.
-- Post From My iPhone
I'll be sitting on the subway and a man will sit across from me and lecherously stare at me; we're talking so intense and consistent of a stare that I will occationally look up and find my eyes drawn there unintentionally. This, of course, always makes the situation worse.
Ugh. Boys are dumb.
-- Post From My iPhone
Saturday, October 11, 2008
tears on the sleeve of a man... don't wanna be a boy today
How do you learn to close yourself off? How does one learn to shut out the people and events that aren't worth your time and energy. Would I have to completely change myself to become the kind of person that is strong enough to see when someone is bad for you? Do I even really need to see it? Isn't it enough to just build a wall and keep people out; it seems to be common that 9 out of 10 people will not come through, will not care, will not be there, don't have your best interests at heart... etc.
Marilyn Monroe said: "I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
Though I love that quote, and consider it words to live by for a smart woman, the idea of trusting no one but yourself seemed so cynical. It didn't seem real, I said to myself the first time I read it, "Well... that's just bitter sadness... you can trust some people"... and I think you can trust some people with some things. But not with your heart. I don't ever want to let anyone have my heart again. The more I'm hurt, every time someone lets me down, every time I realize someone didn't mean what they said or isn't who they seem to be, I think a little more... maybe it's better to be alone than to let people hurt you. Taking care of myself and protecting my heart is only my responsibility. Everyone else needs to take care of their own heart.
I think I just needed to write that down. I need some place I can go to see myself say in black and white that I will not continue to allow people inside my heart. Maybe I'll grow into someone a little colder... maybe this will only be a temporary place I am to heal... I want to be kind and good and optimistic and giving... but those qualities are not what anyone seems to gravitate to. So maybe I need a new m.o.
sigh.
Marilyn Monroe said: "I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
Though I love that quote, and consider it words to live by for a smart woman, the idea of trusting no one but yourself seemed so cynical. It didn't seem real, I said to myself the first time I read it, "Well... that's just bitter sadness... you can trust some people"... and I think you can trust some people with some things. But not with your heart. I don't ever want to let anyone have my heart again. The more I'm hurt, every time someone lets me down, every time I realize someone didn't mean what they said or isn't who they seem to be, I think a little more... maybe it's better to be alone than to let people hurt you. Taking care of myself and protecting my heart is only my responsibility. Everyone else needs to take care of their own heart.
I think I just needed to write that down. I need some place I can go to see myself say in black and white that I will not continue to allow people inside my heart. Maybe I'll grow into someone a little colder... maybe this will only be a temporary place I am to heal... I want to be kind and good and optimistic and giving... but those qualities are not what anyone seems to gravitate to. So maybe I need a new m.o.
sigh.
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