Waiting for the other shoe to drop....
As I sit in my living room, a little saturated in cheap white wine and watching an episode of Sex and the City I have seen umpteen times, I got to thinking about my tendency to look for trouble. The last 7, now closing in on 8, months of my life have been, in one word: amazing. I moved to New York and found a great job, a handful of amazing friends, a pretty apartment, and a life that felt for the first time in my life, like my own. I have a life I built. I made my life happen for myself. John Mayer says that sentence is pretty cool on in your 20's and I can't disagree.
In my experience, this much good must balance. There must be sadness where there is joy and strife where there is simplicity. So, i can't help but wonder if I am now only waiting for the things about this life or this town that will bring me down or cause one of my trademark freak-out-do-overs. I don't want that. I believe now that I am creating a life I fit, and that I have had my fair share of do-overs. But how do I know? Sitting here tonight I find myself in an emotional flurry, partially over nothing. I wonder why and how I can do this to myself? Is it being a woman? Is it being a gemini? Do I just have the need to self-destruct a little every now and again in order to stay together?
As I get older, I try to break down the sad times into reasons. I often find the moments that I feel this way are based in nothing. So for tonight, here's the break down -- I don't like feeling ignored. I don't know why I assume that no response to a text or an email or a facebook note is someone purposefully ignoring me. My tendency to be paranoid is one of my most unhealthy emotional habits. So when two people who are important to me don't respond to my messages, I start to worry. When I start to worry, I start to over analyze. At that point I'm writing entire scary stories in my head. I'm 90% more calm and more grounded than I have been in my life Sometimes... It creeps in.
I believe that this is the life I want, these are friends I can trust, and this is a man that I could love for a very long time... but there are a few moments when I question, a few moments when the self-destructive, scared, and insecure girl that I have been most of my life climbs back out of the back of my brain and starts running things again. My life is not her life. I believe, and at this point in my life, I have begun to believe that believing can make things be, exist, happen.
So... after this long conversation with myself, my keyboard and whoever out there has the time to listen -- I believe. I'm ok. And, excitingly enough... I talked it out. I'm not sad. I'm just alone, and I like my own company. I'm a good time.
Back to Sex and The City, cheap white wine, and me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment