Here where the daylight begins...

I find the more immersed in New York I am, the harder it becomes to become objective and write about my experiences. I know that my blog is a jumble of experiences and emotions, but the more I go back and read, the more I come to find: That's me. I am a jumble of emotions, constantly looking for the next experience, looking to get my feet wet and my hands dirty. I like the way things feel when they are mine, but I often watch others create for fear my creation is unworthy.

If nothing else, living here is teaching me to create.

I'm going to my first New York audition on Friday, and I think it's a great chance to take my own advice. I find myself telling nervous performers 10 years my juniors that "it's just a chance to show your stuff, it's not about the job or the future, just this moment" I think that's important for me to remember for myself as much as it is to parrot to others. Truly, I am a singer at heart. Every chance to sing is like an oxygen tube for those that need to breathe, it makes me who I am, so I do it. That's that.

Philip and I walked around Central Park yesterday and it was, as per usual, breathtaking. Certainly, CP has to be one of man's greatest accomplishments. We stumbled (literally) onto Belvedere Castle, which was a lookout tower and is now a weather station. The little white spoon like pinwheel atop the tallest part of the structure could not help but remind me of Dad. There's so much I want to share with them when they come to visit. I really hope it's not just talk. I know they mean to come visit me, but I lived in that apartment in Alameda for a year and they never came to see it. Certainly, it's now a lot more of an event and an expense to come here to New York, and I of course have to be patient... (I did decide to move thousands of miles away from my family) but it would be nice to know for sure when they were coming.... or if they were coming. It's such an amazing city.

In order only to beat in into myself, I must repeat: This time is for me. This journey is for me. How can I be someone I'm proud of, until I am someone I can take care of? Every day I realize that the only love I need is mine. However, there's often the reminder that I'm a creature built to love, and though I work every day to love myself enough to be rid of this need to be loved, I will always have this desire to give. I just have to be a little bit more wary of who I give to. (Like say, not falling in love with men to whom you are invisible, or even worse "like their sister")

Every day is an adventure.

Every day is a lesson.

I'm excited that I still smile for no particular reason. I love that the nasty sweaty heat that drives others to swear and frown can't get me down. I feel blessed that I can remain positive though there seems to always be a barrage of negative energy around me. Nothing's going to get me down.

I'm lucky to be the kind of girl that can always see a silver lining.

A little music on a Monday night.

So it's been a really long time since I have blogged. Though, by a really long time, I mean 13 days -- "long" might have been a slight exaggeration.

A lot can happen in this city in thirteen days, and I would say it certainly feels as though I can accomplish more in that span of time here than I could at home. As this adventure begins to pan out, it often takes me in directions I never could have expected or planned for. One of those places is Brett.

When I did Pippin back home, it was always a little breathtaking to watch our friendship blossom. Our spirits seem to identify, and we had no choice but to spend time together. There was always the hope that it was not a result of the stage romance, and was truly just the lucky meeting of two kindred spirits, and now, years later, I can see. Happily, he and I just seem to vibe -- each accepting, and more so understanding, of the others eccentricities. We've gotten to spend some time together, and he's a comfort on so many levels. His energy is calm, and that's a nice change from the frantic nature of the rest of my social circle. Beyond his ability to help me relax and see the big picture; he's also an entire different kind of comfort.

Only a few times in my life have I made an insta-friend like I did with him, and Lisa back home -- perhaps I might even lump Erin into that category, and leaving behind these people with whom I felt to "meant to be" friends with was very difficult. How ever, being closer to him is a chance to build this amazing friendship we set the foundation for years ago and never got to build because he left for New York. It seems like a circle of life or karma thing... :)

Beverly just came from home to audition for Maria in the West Side revival on Broadway. She stayed for a couple days, and it was incredibly nice to see her. We talked a little about how we feel as though we've know each other a lifetime, but really just met. I truly think of her as one of my dearest friends, but like I said about Lisa and Erin -- the friendship was more instinct than time. We've not really had that much time to get to know each other. It's people and events like this that make it very difficult not to believe in some sort of magic, or fate, or guidance from beyond... Nevertheless, having her here was like a breath of home. She gave me a little more center and reminded me what it feels like to be truly listened to. For that, it's been awhile.

********

I redid my entire room. With a little elbow grease and some incredibly helpful roommates, my loft bed is now a canopy bed. I also went to Target and purchased some pretty cheap bed and bath items for my room to give it my own flair, and it's now a place I love to be. Marcus had some extra curtains and some kind of Thai silk scarf that inspired the color theme I have decided to go with, and I am totally grateful for both the stuff and the inspiration. My room has a very Moulin Rouge feel to it -- it's certainly a Baz Luhrmann color scheme.

I forgot how much I love to entertain -- having a room that I like to show people, that I am proud of, that is tidy and well designed -- it's such a nice feeling. I can invite people into my space with excitement and pride. It makes a huge difference in the way I feel and the way it feels to come home.

I have a lot of feelings I am trying to process right now; things that keep me from blogging, because I don't have the capacity to expand of some of these thoughts that are eating at me. I know it will come. Patience is a virtue.

Until I can figure it out, I always have John Mayer, Matt Nathanon, Gavin DeGraw, Jason Mraz, and Tori; they get it.

There's a light in you platoon
I never seen a light move
LIke yours
Can do to Me
So now I'm wishing
For my best impression
of my best Angie Dickinson
But now I've got to worry
Cause boy you still look pretty
To me

.......

Who do you love?
Girl I see through, through your love
Who do you love, me or the thought of me?
Me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

......

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

Those are the songs running through my crazy brain.... Music makes me complete. Without it -- sometimes I just don't have anything to say.

If you just realize what I just realized....

I have been staring at this screen for about 20 minutes. It's late, and, technically, I should be asleep.

Something in me knows I need to blog. I need to write to expunge the negative energy that's managed to penetrate the impervious and bring down this ever positive Pollyanna...

So I'll just write. No pre-composing. Train of thought. Stream of consciousness.

And in the spirit of stream of consciousness writing, I have to say, I think negative is not the right term. I'm not sad or lonely or angry, etc -- I'm ready. I'm ready to face all the stuff I ignore for fear of what it means. I have said I'm ready a lot. To myself, in my blogs, to my friends. It's part of why I picked up and just moved across the country. So, it's not much of a revelation, but what is -- is that I am done with people who aren't ready.

I have spent so much of my life pleasing other people, working to make relationships work, hoping coworkers or friends or lovers would like me, or like me more, or like me enough. Done.

I have spent a lot of my time wondering why I wasn't enough for a lover, and wishing I could be thinner or prettier, or shorter or more clever, and I wasted energy on people who never cared about me the way I cared about them. I no longer have the patience to wait for someone to see something in me. If you want me, you better be prepared to say so, because I'm no longer asking.

Growing up is scary as shit. But growing up is also amazing and informative and exciting. I may not like the responsibility and finality of children and marriage right now, and I may be fearful of the tiny lines that have just barely begun forming near my eyes, and annoyed with what I have not yet accomplished and frustrated with how far I still have to go.... however I'm also growing into a woman I enjoy being, and learning to live in skin I like, and learning to work for what I want (and enjoy it!), and hold my tongue, and speak my mind, smile for real, believe in myself.... these things are coming only with time, experience and age, and I feel lucky to be me these days. That's a new feeling.

Peanut and I had a long talk tonight about all the boy drama in my life right now, and he had some amazing and sweet things to say, it's nice to see myself through his eyes sometimes. I just want to be wanted, and I want to stop asking to be wanted. The new me knows I deserve to be wanted, but there's still one tiny little pygmy vampire fluttering around in my brain saying "If you don't play by everyone else's rules, you'll never be loved".

Fuck that voice. It's wrong. I just need to keep repeating that until I believe it. Fake it till you make it.