Here where the daylight begins...

I find the more immersed in New York I am, the harder it becomes to become objective and write about my experiences. I know that my blog is a jumble of experiences and emotions, but the more I go back and read, the more I come to find: That's me. I am a jumble of emotions, constantly looking for the next experience, looking to get my feet wet and my hands dirty. I like the way things feel when they are mine, but I often watch others create for fear my creation is unworthy.

If nothing else, living here is teaching me to create.

I'm going to my first New York audition on Friday, and I think it's a great chance to take my own advice. I find myself telling nervous performers 10 years my juniors that "it's just a chance to show your stuff, it's not about the job or the future, just this moment" I think that's important for me to remember for myself as much as it is to parrot to others. Truly, I am a singer at heart. Every chance to sing is like an oxygen tube for those that need to breathe, it makes me who I am, so I do it. That's that.

Philip and I walked around Central Park yesterday and it was, as per usual, breathtaking. Certainly, CP has to be one of man's greatest accomplishments. We stumbled (literally) onto Belvedere Castle, which was a lookout tower and is now a weather station. The little white spoon like pinwheel atop the tallest part of the structure could not help but remind me of Dad. There's so much I want to share with them when they come to visit. I really hope it's not just talk. I know they mean to come visit me, but I lived in that apartment in Alameda for a year and they never came to see it. Certainly, it's now a lot more of an event and an expense to come here to New York, and I of course have to be patient... (I did decide to move thousands of miles away from my family) but it would be nice to know for sure when they were coming.... or if they were coming. It's such an amazing city.

In order only to beat in into myself, I must repeat: This time is for me. This journey is for me. How can I be someone I'm proud of, until I am someone I can take care of? Every day I realize that the only love I need is mine. However, there's often the reminder that I'm a creature built to love, and though I work every day to love myself enough to be rid of this need to be loved, I will always have this desire to give. I just have to be a little bit more wary of who I give to. (Like say, not falling in love with men to whom you are invisible, or even worse "like their sister")

Every day is an adventure.

Every day is a lesson.

I'm excited that I still smile for no particular reason. I love that the nasty sweaty heat that drives others to swear and frown can't get me down. I feel blessed that I can remain positive though there seems to always be a barrage of negative energy around me. Nothing's going to get me down.

I'm lucky to be the kind of girl that can always see a silver lining.