How do you learn to close yourself off? How does one learn to shut out the people and events that aren't worth your time and energy. Would I have to completely change myself to become the kind of person that is strong enough to see when someone is bad for you? Do I even really need to see it? Isn't it enough to just build a wall and keep people out; it seems to be common that 9 out of 10 people will not come through, will not care, will not be there, don't have your best interests at heart... etc.
Marilyn Monroe said: "I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
Though I love that quote, and consider it words to live by for a smart woman, the idea of trusting no one but yourself seemed so cynical. It didn't seem real, I said to myself the first time I read it, "Well... that's just bitter sadness... you can trust some people"... and I think you can trust some people with some things. But not with your heart. I don't ever want to let anyone have my heart again. The more I'm hurt, every time someone lets me down, every time I realize someone didn't mean what they said or isn't who they seem to be, I think a little more... maybe it's better to be alone than to let people hurt you. Taking care of myself and protecting my heart is only my responsibility. Everyone else needs to take care of their own heart.
I think I just needed to write that down. I need some place I can go to see myself say in black and white that I will not continue to allow people inside my heart. Maybe I'll grow into someone a little colder... maybe this will only be a temporary place I am to heal... I want to be kind and good and optimistic and giving... but those qualities are not what anyone seems to gravitate to. So maybe I need a new m.o.
sigh.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Making stuff happen....
Oh I have *such* a busy day ahead... but, for some reason, I felt I had to stop to blog.
Yesterday was busy and stressful and amazing -- and I think it was a singular day that is reflective of the last four months. This city will not stop for you or wait for you to catch your breath, but if you have the gumption to keep trying and to throw yourself into it's fire, the experience can be amazing. Because of a huge event last year at work, we had extremely large numbers we needed to anniversary, and because the 4th floor has been incredibly slow (due in part, in my opinion, to it's location in the store) -- it seemed a daunting task. Michelle, the manager of the 4th, asked me if I had any ideas and immediately I thought of a combination of the two events I spearheaded in California. There was the small and intimate class that I taught on basic makeup in Concord, and the MAC out loud (a trainer on a mic giving a makeup seminar to a bigger group) that we did in Hayward. Ellie and Veronica made me the Event Coordinator, and set me off.
I think it was incredibly successful. We wanted 10 appointments with a cap of 20, we got 15. The numbers were where we wanted them to be and it was just, all in all, an incredibly successful event. I was proud to be a part of that team and proud of myself. I realized also yesterday that I love my job. I'm not a doctor or a lawyer or a scientist, so sometimes I feel like my job is not incredibly impressive, but I make women feel good about themselves, and soon, as a leader or manager, I will be able to help my coworkers find their best skills and shine at their jobs too. I love to sing, I love to put makeup on people, but more than anything else, I love people. I love knowing something I did or was a part of made someone feel better. I also like finding solutions to problems.
Up and onward... there's always more to learn and more to be :)
Off to laundry... (SO MUCH LAUNDRY.....oy) and to set up my kit for fashion show, and try and clean my room a little...
Yesterday was busy and stressful and amazing -- and I think it was a singular day that is reflective of the last four months. This city will not stop for you or wait for you to catch your breath, but if you have the gumption to keep trying and to throw yourself into it's fire, the experience can be amazing. Because of a huge event last year at work, we had extremely large numbers we needed to anniversary, and because the 4th floor has been incredibly slow (due in part, in my opinion, to it's location in the store) -- it seemed a daunting task. Michelle, the manager of the 4th, asked me if I had any ideas and immediately I thought of a combination of the two events I spearheaded in California. There was the small and intimate class that I taught on basic makeup in Concord, and the MAC out loud (a trainer on a mic giving a makeup seminar to a bigger group) that we did in Hayward. Ellie and Veronica made me the Event Coordinator, and set me off.
I think it was incredibly successful. We wanted 10 appointments with a cap of 20, we got 15. The numbers were where we wanted them to be and it was just, all in all, an incredibly successful event. I was proud to be a part of that team and proud of myself. I realized also yesterday that I love my job. I'm not a doctor or a lawyer or a scientist, so sometimes I feel like my job is not incredibly impressive, but I make women feel good about themselves, and soon, as a leader or manager, I will be able to help my coworkers find their best skills and shine at their jobs too. I love to sing, I love to put makeup on people, but more than anything else, I love people. I love knowing something I did or was a part of made someone feel better. I also like finding solutions to problems.
Up and onward... there's always more to learn and more to be :)
Off to laundry... (SO MUCH LAUNDRY.....oy) and to set up my kit for fashion show, and try and clean my room a little...
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
New York is, if nothing else, quite an experience. More than once in the last few days I have had an experience with a crazy person that was totally worth recording, and I just haven't had the patience or focus to get it out on paper. But, with a collective of things to say, as well as the guilt of having said nothing in 21 days, here I go...
Dustin left for West Virginia on Sunday, and Jordan, who'll be subletting his room, moved in on Monday. Not having Dustin in the house has been a shift in the energy. It's not good or bad, just different. I adore Jordan, though, and I think we could be good friends. I'm already missing Dustin, though. He brings me peace.
Jordan, Charlie and I decided tonight that we had to get out of the house. Sherry, a girl who lives a few floors up in our building invited me to come out and drink for her birthday, but we ended up deciding to head to our local watering hole, Coogan's. Now, I've been to Coogan's about 4-5 times now, and I think it's always a good time. There's something a little Cheers-y about it, the bartenders seem to know everyone, and it's very much a neighborhood bar. Tonight, since it wasn't the usual karaoke night, there was just about no one in the bar, so we were chatting it up with the bartenders. It was, all in all, a great night.
When we first get in, there's a woman at the bar making photo collages on placemats. Yeah, in a bar. By herself. She then proceeds to interrupt our conversation with silly questions at every opportunity. She was also wearing a shirt I'm pretty sure was made from stretch polyester she bought at Joanne's and just wrapped around herself and pinned. I don't know that it was actually a "shirt". Also, it was adorned with a handmade felt flower. You can't make this stuff up, people. She said to me, "You're a really beautiful woman, but you remind me of Amy Winehouse"... my favorite part of that sentence was the "but"... I could go on and on, she was full of funny sound bites, but I don't know that she's nearly as funny on paper.
Our neighborhood also has a dancer. There's this man who dances down the street at all times, and really -- he's not bad. He's usually got an ipod or walkman of some sort on, but sometimes he's just walking and dancing. When I say dancing, I'm talking full on, Janet Jackson music video style. It's intense. He's also really serious about being the Washington Heights Dancer. You'd have to see him to understand. I went to Wendy's the other day with no makeup on in a long sleve thermal and sweats.... and he was out dacin' it up, with a camcorder... somehow I ended up on film. I don't think it's going anywhere I need to worry about looking like death... but I really did look like death.
A couple of small personal realizations: I overuse both the :) emoticon and the ...... I should get new material.
Off to dreamland now.
L
Dustin left for West Virginia on Sunday, and Jordan, who'll be subletting his room, moved in on Monday. Not having Dustin in the house has been a shift in the energy. It's not good or bad, just different. I adore Jordan, though, and I think we could be good friends. I'm already missing Dustin, though. He brings me peace.
Jordan, Charlie and I decided tonight that we had to get out of the house. Sherry, a girl who lives a few floors up in our building invited me to come out and drink for her birthday, but we ended up deciding to head to our local watering hole, Coogan's. Now, I've been to Coogan's about 4-5 times now, and I think it's always a good time. There's something a little Cheers-y about it, the bartenders seem to know everyone, and it's very much a neighborhood bar. Tonight, since it wasn't the usual karaoke night, there was just about no one in the bar, so we were chatting it up with the bartenders. It was, all in all, a great night.
When we first get in, there's a woman at the bar making photo collages on placemats. Yeah, in a bar. By herself. She then proceeds to interrupt our conversation with silly questions at every opportunity. She was also wearing a shirt I'm pretty sure was made from stretch polyester she bought at Joanne's and just wrapped around herself and pinned. I don't know that it was actually a "shirt". Also, it was adorned with a handmade felt flower. You can't make this stuff up, people. She said to me, "You're a really beautiful woman, but you remind me of Amy Winehouse"... my favorite part of that sentence was the "but"... I could go on and on, she was full of funny sound bites, but I don't know that she's nearly as funny on paper.
Our neighborhood also has a dancer. There's this man who dances down the street at all times, and really -- he's not bad. He's usually got an ipod or walkman of some sort on, but sometimes he's just walking and dancing. When I say dancing, I'm talking full on, Janet Jackson music video style. It's intense. He's also really serious about being the Washington Heights Dancer. You'd have to see him to understand. I went to Wendy's the other day with no makeup on in a long sleve thermal and sweats.... and he was out dacin' it up, with a camcorder... somehow I ended up on film. I don't think it's going anywhere I need to worry about looking like death... but I really did look like death.
A couple of small personal realizations: I overuse both the :) emoticon and the ...... I should get new material.
Off to dreamland now.
L
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