Sometimes I really have to ask myself why in god's name do I want ot be an actress? Yeah, it's entertaining, but there's so much drama and tears and stress and aches and pains that come with it. You can't just go and do what you do, devil be damned, you must through the most basic aspect of the process submit yourself and your creative expression to the criticism and often the will of others. Acting in a musical is not performance art. You don't get to just be what you'll be. There's an entire staff who's job it is to correct your mistakes and guide you in what they believe to be the right direction. Then there are your peers and fellow performers and their opinions, then the opinions of your family and loved ones, and god forbid you start listening to the reviews, or worse, USER reviews on ticket sites... I'm mean jesus, if Blanche DuBois always relied on the kindness of strangers, how the fuck did she ever get anywhere.
I just get so torn, a huge part of me enjoys the process, most of me even. But when someone or something gets in the way of my, as the vampire song says, "creative self expression" and I feel trapped, boxed in, or just plain not allowed to "do my thing", it ceases to be fun, becomes a chore and drains me of my joy and energy.
Here's the biggest problem with that: What happens if I get to do this for a living, will I be able to stand the jobs that I can't stand? Am I cut out to be criticized? Maybe yes, maybe not, but right now I am beginning to try to learn to let it roll away -- every year I feel a little thicker skinned, every year I feel a little older more mature, more apt to deal with depression and rejection... so I keep on keeping on.
And that's that for now, I suppose.
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2 comments:
I'm not big on mantras, but really I am. :)
"whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger."
Balance is always the hardest to achieve in every aspect of one's life, and once you achieve some kind of balance or peace something else will come up. If it doesn't, then what will you be "working" towards?
I've found that one can almost never feel satisfied or gratified unless the road to achievement was hard. Keep going, and when it gets hard take a break, breathe, and find the joy in something small.
I believe in you.
Becoming a professional performer is about making your box and living inside of it. The box is what the world sees, cheers, boos, wants, hates, whatever. Inside, you have fun, don't, work, play, whatever. Your art is the magical successful (in your own eyes!) combination of the two.
Remember, always, Marilyn Monroe. She was brilliant enough to create the perfect box, but too foolish to keep herself from being defined by it.
See you out there on the Rialto!
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