blah.
So, I am sitting at my desk, researching different advertising and marketing opportunities in the cities we are taking the tour to, which is fun... but it's all I have been doing for 3 days. On top of that, I can't seem to get a good nights sleep, and I have been exhausted for days on end... so much so that I have a sleep-deprivation headache. That sucks.
I have band practice tonight, which is always fun, and I am excited about it. I wanted to finish 2 songs before pratice, but with the new job and the end of Aida, that didn't happen. Perhaps, however, I can do that inbetween research today. I have a little of each song -- which, is bad really, when you think about it, because it would be better to have finished an entire song than to have a little of each song... sigh.
after tonight things will be fine, because I can just GO TO SLEEP. Except there's a new Project Runway on tonight. Well, maybe I will nap, and then watch the show, and then go back to bed. I can't go missing a new PR when I had to wait 2 weeks for it!!!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
New Job, Show Over, Gilmore Girls Premier and a Bottle of Red Wine
Wow.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Not since Man of La Mancha has a show moved and changed me like Aida has. There's a kind of sad calm in my life now, as though something so huge is missing. It's like loosing a boyfriend or something. I went into those auditions thinking that role was written for me, and then as we got into it, I started to really doubt myself. The songs were harder than I thought, the technical aspects of the "Suit" costume were stressful. I have been going through this internal crisis, that I continue to plow through, though this show has really pushed me out of the tunnel and into the light.
I want to spend my life on stage. There are a million things I could do and be happy, and there are even a few things that I can do and make a lot of money. But -- if it's up to me, and I have the choice to spend my life doing what I want, it's performing, singing for people. There's nothing on earth like singing on a stage. And, honestly, Aida, the show, the role, the cast, the support of so many wonderful people, and I think for the first time ever, I honestly believe in myself. So, thanks for that.
The new job is fun, really laid back, and really interesting. I think that I am going to learn a ton from them, and after putting in some good time with them, if I am not working as an equity actress, I will have some great opportunities to work in marketing and PR. Perhaps I could be a publicist.
I'm excited about the Gilmore Girls premier tonight, and I'm excited about that new show, "Heros"
Goodbye little show, I've been happy here.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Not since Man of La Mancha has a show moved and changed me like Aida has. There's a kind of sad calm in my life now, as though something so huge is missing. It's like loosing a boyfriend or something. I went into those auditions thinking that role was written for me, and then as we got into it, I started to really doubt myself. The songs were harder than I thought, the technical aspects of the "Suit" costume were stressful. I have been going through this internal crisis, that I continue to plow through, though this show has really pushed me out of the tunnel and into the light.
I want to spend my life on stage. There are a million things I could do and be happy, and there are even a few things that I can do and make a lot of money. But -- if it's up to me, and I have the choice to spend my life doing what I want, it's performing, singing for people. There's nothing on earth like singing on a stage. And, honestly, Aida, the show, the role, the cast, the support of so many wonderful people, and I think for the first time ever, I honestly believe in myself. So, thanks for that.
The new job is fun, really laid back, and really interesting. I think that I am going to learn a ton from them, and after putting in some good time with them, if I am not working as an equity actress, I will have some great opportunities to work in marketing and PR. Perhaps I could be a publicist.
I'm excited about the Gilmore Girls premier tonight, and I'm excited about that new show, "Heros"
Goodbye little show, I've been happy here.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Good things, and bad things, and having no idea what to do.
So....
Last night I was cast in the West Coast tour of "Meshuganutcracker", and I am incredibly excited. Not only am I going to get to see things I have never seen, like other cities -- I hate that I have never been anywhere. But, provided they still like me next year, I could end up getting my Equity card out of this, which is on my current 'Theater To-Do List".
The biggest problem with this is that it's going to conflict hugely with work, and I may have to quit my job because of it. That's a lot of risk, but that's what one does for this business, right? Take risks? I'm not good at risking things. I'm not good at taking a leap, and just believing that something will be there to break my fall. I tend to be of the thought, always go for the sure thing, but if I'm going to work as an actress, it's sketchy work. That's just how it is.
I want this so bad -- I want to be a working performer, and I know for a fact that if I put my mind to it, I could do that. But, it's about having faith in myself, really, and the more Ithink about it, I think that's what's held me back all these years. I'm not sure I believe that I can do this. But, I want it. So -- I have to start believeing.
Sigh.
Last night I was cast in the West Coast tour of "Meshuganutcracker", and I am incredibly excited. Not only am I going to get to see things I have never seen, like other cities -- I hate that I have never been anywhere. But, provided they still like me next year, I could end up getting my Equity card out of this, which is on my current 'Theater To-Do List".
The biggest problem with this is that it's going to conflict hugely with work, and I may have to quit my job because of it. That's a lot of risk, but that's what one does for this business, right? Take risks? I'm not good at risking things. I'm not good at taking a leap, and just believing that something will be there to break my fall. I tend to be of the thought, always go for the sure thing, but if I'm going to work as an actress, it's sketchy work. That's just how it is.
I want this so bad -- I want to be a working performer, and I know for a fact that if I put my mind to it, I could do that. But, it's about having faith in myself, really, and the more Ithink about it, I think that's what's held me back all these years. I'm not sure I believe that I can do this. But, I want it. So -- I have to start believeing.
Sigh.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Starting to feel in control... kinda.
Ok.
So things, I think, are getting much better with the show. There an odd sort of solice is deciding not to allowing anything else to get in my way. I see how I want to react to the disasters, but I choose not to. I need to learn to do that on a regular basis, and not as a method of controlling that which seems to be spiraling out of control. I need to just not let it get that far in the first place.
"If you don't like your fate, change it. You are your own master, there are no shackles on you."
For a moment, I was starting to feel like all the little details were going to destroy the big picture, but, really, in theater -- we controll our big picture. If I want to let inescapable tech nonsense, silly wigs, zippers, and corsets distract me -- I can. If I want to man-up and focus past all the little stuff, I can do that too. I think some of it must be about believing in your own capacity to do more. I often tell myself I can't do things and I think, sometimes, it is just my lack of faith that makes it so.
So, I am starting to have faith in myself, we'll see how long that lasts.
It's always a rollercoaster with me.
So things, I think, are getting much better with the show. There an odd sort of solice is deciding not to allowing anything else to get in my way. I see how I want to react to the disasters, but I choose not to. I need to learn to do that on a regular basis, and not as a method of controlling that which seems to be spiraling out of control. I need to just not let it get that far in the first place.
"If you don't like your fate, change it. You are your own master, there are no shackles on you."
For a moment, I was starting to feel like all the little details were going to destroy the big picture, but, really, in theater -- we controll our big picture. If I want to let inescapable tech nonsense, silly wigs, zippers, and corsets distract me -- I can. If I want to man-up and focus past all the little stuff, I can do that too. I think some of it must be about believing in your own capacity to do more. I often tell myself I can't do things and I think, sometimes, it is just my lack of faith that makes it so.
So, I am starting to have faith in myself, we'll see how long that lasts.
It's always a rollercoaster with me.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
The madness of live theater.
So last night was a bit of a mess....
There are so many set pieces that we can barely fit people off stage in the wings, and just about everyones entrances and exits have to be very specifically choreographed, and even then, they are a little dangerous. And, frankly, there are too many people backstage, and they all think they know best.
And the museum case almost came toppeling down on my head. That was awesome.
So, the show seems to be coming together, in all honesty. There is set drama, and costume drama, but over all, there's a lot of talent -- and this madness is what tech week is all about, right? There's always major obstacles to overcome, and they are always over come. A lot can happen in 4-5 days.
As far as my performance goes, it's feeling very hot and cold. I have moments where I feel really good, and moments where I feel stiff and fake. I'm not really sure how to fall into step, over than just to stay focused and cool, and try not to let all the costume drama get my in over my head. The corset, and all the clothes, and tonight, all the wigs -- it's just realy oer whelming. It's funny, maybe I can draw from that too, to help create her. She is overwhelmed by the duties of being a princess, and I am overwhelmed by these clothes.
This whole process has been rough, I have learned more and more over the past few days, that not everyone is your friend, and not everyone means well. Not matter how sweet theater people can be, I need to learn to keep my guard up, to let people come to me. I want so much to prove that I am not a bitch or a diva, that I put way too much of myself out there. I need to learn to stay internal, and quiet, and let people come to me. Really, if someone thinks I'm a bitch because I am guarded, then they don't know me, and their opinion shouldn't hold so much water to me.
No one's opinion of me should be as important to me as it is. I need to learn to just like myself, and not give a fuck if anyone else does. But that's really hard.
Deep breath. :)
There are so many set pieces that we can barely fit people off stage in the wings, and just about everyones entrances and exits have to be very specifically choreographed, and even then, they are a little dangerous. And, frankly, there are too many people backstage, and they all think they know best.
And the museum case almost came toppeling down on my head. That was awesome.
So, the show seems to be coming together, in all honesty. There is set drama, and costume drama, but over all, there's a lot of talent -- and this madness is what tech week is all about, right? There's always major obstacles to overcome, and they are always over come. A lot can happen in 4-5 days.
As far as my performance goes, it's feeling very hot and cold. I have moments where I feel really good, and moments where I feel stiff and fake. I'm not really sure how to fall into step, over than just to stay focused and cool, and try not to let all the costume drama get my in over my head. The corset, and all the clothes, and tonight, all the wigs -- it's just realy oer whelming. It's funny, maybe I can draw from that too, to help create her. She is overwhelmed by the duties of being a princess, and I am overwhelmed by these clothes.
This whole process has been rough, I have learned more and more over the past few days, that not everyone is your friend, and not everyone means well. Not matter how sweet theater people can be, I need to learn to keep my guard up, to let people come to me. I want so much to prove that I am not a bitch or a diva, that I put way too much of myself out there. I need to learn to stay internal, and quiet, and let people come to me. Really, if someone thinks I'm a bitch because I am guarded, then they don't know me, and their opinion shouldn't hold so much water to me.
No one's opinion of me should be as important to me as it is. I need to learn to just like myself, and not give a fuck if anyone else does. But that's really hard.
Deep breath. :)
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