Time to buckle down -- time to make things happen.
On the largest scale, I can't keep waiting for the world to strike me with good fortune and I have to make something happen. The weight is going, that's been decided. From now on, I am auditioning for points, I am working towards a card. I am going to start making money at this. I am. It's that simple.
On a smaller scale, I am NOT going to let that song scare me any more. I'm going to own it, and love it, and breathe through it. I am not going to be mediocre because of fear, I'm just not.
And That's That.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Today is, where your book begins...
My big inspriational song right now is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. There's something about not only the simple, but powerful words, and melody always remind me of everything I still have ahead of me, and everything that I can do if I put my mind to it.
There's no reason to continue to be unhappy in my own skin. I think the only things that are keeping me from being happy are my own inhibitions, I tend to allow all the negativity in the world to drown me. I find a reason why it's unfair that I have to work so hard for the body I want, and I cling to it while I ignore everything I know.
Matt always says all you have to do is figure out what you want, and focus on it, it's all so easy for him. I always say "It's just not that easy for me" -- but what if it is. What if it's just about focus and the decision that food is irrelevant. That, food as entertainment, will always be terrible for me, and not beause I can't eat the food I want, but because I can't let food be my reason for doing things. And more than that, I have to learn to want the future more than I want today.
That goes for everything in my life. I need to learn that good things come to those who work ad wait. I think something that's always holding me back is this fear that it's not just being the wrong type that's holding me back, that I am going to lose this weight and still not be quite good enough -- but that's just not the case. This is all about hard work -- dirty words for me. I just need to work for what I want, theater, thin, smart, emotionally strong. These are all things I can have, and have found I can create in myself in small doses, why not change completely?
I started to type "I think I can.." -- I have to stop 'thinking' I can do things, and jsut accomplish them. I can. I'm going to. Here goes.
I am unwritten. Can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just begining, the pens in my hand, ending unplanned.
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window.
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find.
Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it.
Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin.
No one else can feel it for you, no one else can let it in.
No one else, no one else, can speak the words on your lips.
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with eyes wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned, to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with eyes wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten........
There's no reason to continue to be unhappy in my own skin. I think the only things that are keeping me from being happy are my own inhibitions, I tend to allow all the negativity in the world to drown me. I find a reason why it's unfair that I have to work so hard for the body I want, and I cling to it while I ignore everything I know.
Matt always says all you have to do is figure out what you want, and focus on it, it's all so easy for him. I always say "It's just not that easy for me" -- but what if it is. What if it's just about focus and the decision that food is irrelevant. That, food as entertainment, will always be terrible for me, and not beause I can't eat the food I want, but because I can't let food be my reason for doing things. And more than that, I have to learn to want the future more than I want today.
That goes for everything in my life. I need to learn that good things come to those who work ad wait. I think something that's always holding me back is this fear that it's not just being the wrong type that's holding me back, that I am going to lose this weight and still not be quite good enough -- but that's just not the case. This is all about hard work -- dirty words for me. I just need to work for what I want, theater, thin, smart, emotionally strong. These are all things I can have, and have found I can create in myself in small doses, why not change completely?
I started to type "I think I can.." -- I have to stop 'thinking' I can do things, and jsut accomplish them. I can. I'm going to. Here goes.
I am unwritten. Can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just begining, the pens in my hand, ending unplanned.
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window.
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find.
Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it.
Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin.
No one else can feel it for you, no one else can let it in.
No one else, no one else, can speak the words on your lips.
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with eyes wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned, to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with eyes wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten........
Friday, August 25, 2006
Venus and Mars
Why am I so fucking emotional?? WHY??
It doesn't relaly matter what the situation, but when Matt and I quibble over something tiny, I always end up feeling so hurt, and so confinced that my feelings aren't being considered. Then, I analyze the situation, and realize that, while he might have been a little calous, I really was over reacting. Why can't I see that while it's happening, why can't I catch on before I start getting all teary and hurt?
Granted there are many times where he just isn't really listening to me, or doesn't understand me -- so he gets frustrated, and even though he's unlikely to admit it, he's snotty. Many times I have tried to explain why tone of voice is important with me, and the usual response is, well all I said was "insert-benign-phrase-in-calm-voice-here", and I always have to rebut with, "But that's not *how* you said it"... and then we get into the same circle of his not understanding what his tone of voice even was, and me not understanding how he can't understand. It's vicious, but it's never over anything of import.
So, how do I learn that he doesn't mean any harm -- because, now in the quiet after the storm, I can see what he was trying to get at -- I would have said it entirely different (and therin lies the rub) -- but I still get what he meant. And I feel as though, though I had a point, there was no need to get so hurt and frustrated.... but when it's happening, I can't see it at all. And he finds resolve so quickly, I get upset, and I can't let go, I just have to talk it to death. He can just say "Let's drop it" -- and really, genuinely, be done. He's over it, it's not bothering him anymore. I, on the other hand, are frantically trying to drop it, and ignore the racing thoughts of everything I still feel and want to say that won't stop going and going and going...
Why can't I calm down -- I feel like a snowball when I'm hurt, the emotions are just going to go where they are going to go, and go away when they so desire. The consequences are, though he can be a buttface and a little bit selfish, he almost always either meant well or was unaware of it entirely, and all I needed to do to avoid the fight was stay calm....
Sometimes I think I must need prozac. Sometimes I think I'm actually crazy.
I don't know that either of those thoughts are productive or problem solving.
Grr.
It doesn't relaly matter what the situation, but when Matt and I quibble over something tiny, I always end up feeling so hurt, and so confinced that my feelings aren't being considered. Then, I analyze the situation, and realize that, while he might have been a little calous, I really was over reacting. Why can't I see that while it's happening, why can't I catch on before I start getting all teary and hurt?
Granted there are many times where he just isn't really listening to me, or doesn't understand me -- so he gets frustrated, and even though he's unlikely to admit it, he's snotty. Many times I have tried to explain why tone of voice is important with me, and the usual response is, well all I said was "insert-benign-phrase-in-calm-voice-here", and I always have to rebut with, "But that's not *how* you said it"... and then we get into the same circle of his not understanding what his tone of voice even was, and me not understanding how he can't understand. It's vicious, but it's never over anything of import.
So, how do I learn that he doesn't mean any harm -- because, now in the quiet after the storm, I can see what he was trying to get at -- I would have said it entirely different (and therin lies the rub) -- but I still get what he meant. And I feel as though, though I had a point, there was no need to get so hurt and frustrated.... but when it's happening, I can't see it at all. And he finds resolve so quickly, I get upset, and I can't let go, I just have to talk it to death. He can just say "Let's drop it" -- and really, genuinely, be done. He's over it, it's not bothering him anymore. I, on the other hand, are frantically trying to drop it, and ignore the racing thoughts of everything I still feel and want to say that won't stop going and going and going...
Why can't I calm down -- I feel like a snowball when I'm hurt, the emotions are just going to go where they are going to go, and go away when they so desire. The consequences are, though he can be a buttface and a little bit selfish, he almost always either meant well or was unaware of it entirely, and all I needed to do to avoid the fight was stay calm....
Sometimes I think I must need prozac. Sometimes I think I'm actually crazy.
I don't know that either of those thoughts are productive or problem solving.
Grr.
Finding Amneris and other short stories...
So, I feel like last night went much better. I certainly have a better feel for the levels I want in the show, and I am starting to really understand her.
Derrick, Jeff and Nicole and I were talking about characters a lot last night, and about how women can love men that they don't understand -- love comes so much easier to us sometimes. Derrick was saying that there's nothing Amneris can love about Radames because she doesn't understand him, and she's forcing him to stay home, and if you really love someone, you want them to do what makes them happy. This is so true, but I also think that, as a woman, you can genuinely believe (usually to your detriment) that he "doesn't really know what would make him happy" and that you can "make him see" that you are what's right for him.
I think that's how she feels -- I think she thinks a lot like Scarlett O'Hara, and she'll "Think about that tomorrow"...
Those are my thoughts right now... more to follow. :)
Derrick, Jeff and Nicole and I were talking about characters a lot last night, and about how women can love men that they don't understand -- love comes so much easier to us sometimes. Derrick was saying that there's nothing Amneris can love about Radames because she doesn't understand him, and she's forcing him to stay home, and if you really love someone, you want them to do what makes them happy. This is so true, but I also think that, as a woman, you can genuinely believe (usually to your detriment) that he "doesn't really know what would make him happy" and that you can "make him see" that you are what's right for him.
I think that's how she feels -- I think she thinks a lot like Scarlett O'Hara, and she'll "Think about that tomorrow"...
Those are my thoughts right now... more to follow. :)
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Seriously... Fungus?... really?
Ok -- so, I have been tanning for Aida, and I have started to notice just a few dimesized patches of skin that, while they still tan, do not tan as fast as the rest of my body. And so I asked... uhhhh what is that?
And the girl said it's a FUNGUS!! And you cure it by using Selsun Blue as body wash...
So I look it up online, and SURE ENOUGH it's a FUNGUS. EW. Just so much EW. Like, apparently it's relaly common and normal, and everyone has it, just some people have more of it, and it likes heat and sweat, so I could just be making it worse by tanning in a bed, and were I to have tanned in the sun and not gotten quite so hot and sweaty, it might not have formed... buuuuut there it is, looking like 3-4 harmless little light colored patches of skin... but, I KNOW WHAT it REALLY is...
I immediately bought some Selsun Blue and will be showering BEFORE rehearsal.
Yuck.
And the girl said it's a FUNGUS!! And you cure it by using Selsun Blue as body wash...
So I look it up online, and SURE ENOUGH it's a FUNGUS. EW. Just so much EW. Like, apparently it's relaly common and normal, and everyone has it, just some people have more of it, and it likes heat and sweat, so I could just be making it worse by tanning in a bed, and were I to have tanned in the sun and not gotten quite so hot and sweaty, it might not have formed... buuuuut there it is, looking like 3-4 harmless little light colored patches of skin... but, I KNOW WHAT it REALLY is...
I immediately bought some Selsun Blue and will be showering BEFORE rehearsal.
Yuck.
There's no business...
Ok, so I have come to the offical decision that I hate the last couple weeks before tech week. Or maybe that's just this show.
I am just feeling so disjointed about the entire show. It's not just finding a flow to the show, and figuring out my arc, but it's just my character in general. So many aspects of her I feel like I totally understand, and so many of them are just still so intangible to me. I just don't think I am particularly elegant or graceful. I don't think that people who know me who use those words to describe me, and I think there's something missing in my general physicality and posture and such. I wasn't raised as a princess, and I am a goofy comedienne.
I did "I Know the Truth" for the first time on tuesday, and though I had worked it vocally -- it was not at all what I wanted. My voice, like my body has been so dehydrated and tired lately, that I find myself just "done" so much earlier on than I used to be. I think I realy just need to start getting a good night sleep every night -- and I need to drink more water. As much as it helps me to function, I really think the caffine over kill is causing havoc with the chords. :( Besides the fact that it felt a 1/2 step lower than I had been working it -- I just wanted it to be a little more still, but I found myself moving more than I meant to. I don't really know where it came from, perhaps it was the emotion of the song -- or the weirdness of the key. Not sure.
There has been a "moment" in almost every role I have had in the last few years, where everything clicked, fell into place, became clear to me. Where I found my step, found my niche -- and it's usually about now, a couple weeks before the show goes up.... and it's not here, and I'm panicking.
I am actually wondering if I am going to be any good -- I know my singing will be fine, the ending fine... but what about in between?? -- I just wonder if I have enough time left to really find her, and do her justice.
hmm.
I am just feeling so disjointed about the entire show. It's not just finding a flow to the show, and figuring out my arc, but it's just my character in general. So many aspects of her I feel like I totally understand, and so many of them are just still so intangible to me. I just don't think I am particularly elegant or graceful. I don't think that people who know me who use those words to describe me, and I think there's something missing in my general physicality and posture and such. I wasn't raised as a princess, and I am a goofy comedienne.
I did "I Know the Truth" for the first time on tuesday, and though I had worked it vocally -- it was not at all what I wanted. My voice, like my body has been so dehydrated and tired lately, that I find myself just "done" so much earlier on than I used to be. I think I realy just need to start getting a good night sleep every night -- and I need to drink more water. As much as it helps me to function, I really think the caffine over kill is causing havoc with the chords. :( Besides the fact that it felt a 1/2 step lower than I had been working it -- I just wanted it to be a little more still, but I found myself moving more than I meant to. I don't really know where it came from, perhaps it was the emotion of the song -- or the weirdness of the key. Not sure.
There has been a "moment" in almost every role I have had in the last few years, where everything clicked, fell into place, became clear to me. Where I found my step, found my niche -- and it's usually about now, a couple weeks before the show goes up.... and it's not here, and I'm panicking.
I am actually wondering if I am going to be any good -- I know my singing will be fine, the ending fine... but what about in between?? -- I just wonder if I have enough time left to really find her, and do her justice.
hmm.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
