Ugh... ten days. Too long.
So, New York news: I had my first "Probationary Review" at work, and it was stellar. They seem to really love me which is incredibly nice. It's nice to go to work every day and do something I know I'm good at. It's not like singing or theater where it's subjective, there's proof. My numbers are high and my customers like me. So -- that's real proof, right? Not to say by any means I don't love to sing and perform and love the wacky subjective nature of art, but it's nice to have a "day job" I can shine at.
My manager sent me with only a very select group to an event at Saks, and it was nice to be recognized so early on in the game. I'm not going to count my chickens though. I'm out here to make Lexie into a something. I'm this, half formed inkling of a person right now. Sounds so strange, I'm sure, but I just really feel like I'm on the verge of something. I know there are giant chunks of me that are figured out, but so much of it is like an impressionist painting I'm standing to close to. I know all the colors make shapes, but I'm not in a position to see what those shapes are just yet.
Danny and I talked again today, and he's (of course) going to see Dark Knight tonight. I was seriously thinking about going to the 3am show, but after the ridiculous day I had today, my body just won't cooperate. So, I'm on my way to bed once I get these rattling thoughts out of my head and into the ether. I'm sad not to see the movie at midnight on opening day, it's just the kind of movie that needs such an adventure. :) Danny will have to be my proxy for the night.
Oh Danny. How lucky I feel sometimes to have that friendship. It's such a perfect beautiful mess. Sometimes I feel as though I ought to be falling in love with him, sometimes I think I could someday love him, and sometimes I just don't think about him in terms of romantic love at all. The latter is never out of avoidance, but out of a lack of need. There's something so simple and pure about the way I feel about him. He's just a part of my life, and should be. However, there's seems to be such a draw to the idea of it blossoming someday into some kind of fairy-tale ending. So little of me believes in fairy-tale endings anymore, and so much of me knows that ruining this friendship that has proved to be my constant constant would break me. So, I find myself certain and entirely unsure about nothing and everything where he's concerned. I also know I'm lonely, and that I'm realizing that maybe I'm not the fiercely independent Samantha-Type I thought I was... perhaps an amalgam of that woman and a more down to earth, open hearted lover is where the chips will fall. I know I could be amazing to someone, but I don't think I could give without getting anymore. I've done it too much, and I'd rather be alone with my music and makeup and musings than chasing someone who's armor will never thin.
The truth of the matter is that Danny's 3000 miles away, and it won't be anything till it's something. So, I'm happy that it is whatever it is. I enjoy that we can muse about the future without toppling into it. I wish Anthony and I had found that balance. We talk sometimes, and though he's still in my fibers and under my skin, it's awkward. I want happiness and beauty for him, but talking to him just stings a little.
Central Park remains my sanctuary, and Brett introduced me to a new part of it this week, and it was magical. I find myself replenished when I leave that place, as though the time I spent was medication for the madness that has been living here. It's been a month and a half and every moment has been a joy, a wonder, or a lesson, with the occasional sad and nostalgic musings of home. I find myself feeling like this is my home, this place. I somehow am a part of things here, and I'm never entirely alone with the city breathing down my neck or singing me to sleep. There are possibilities around every corner and parties under tables and in trees. But, now that I have found a somewhere, it's a reminder that home is somewhere and someone(s). I don't say someone in only the traditional sense of love. I also realized that people are my home. There are little pieces of me that don't belong to me anymore, they live in Lisa and Erin and Danny, and my family. I'm making new friends, but I have to figure out what I have to give them. I certainly think there is a limit to what I can give, though I know I have not by any means begun to approach it. However, I know, too, that I cannot give what already belongs to another heart. I guess this is just my sappy and poetic way of saying how do I let people in without replacing anyone? There's a way... I just don't know it yet.
Right now, I am madly obsessed with Pandora radio, which I can get both on the internet and on a little app on my iphone. I have created a few stations, and the new music it plays for me based on what I like is extraordinary.
Well, after 17 hours of waking, 12 of which I spent without sitting down -- I'm collapsing as I type. So, I'm going to curl up in my humid summer in NYC bed and sleep through a night I should have been out being a nerd.
Goodnight moon.
A little Matt Nathanson for the road... this one sticks in my teeth right now:
This time, I'll be sailing
No more bailing boats for me
I'll be out there on the sea
Just my confidence and me
And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
But I'll learn to get by
On little victories
This time, I'll have no fear
I'll be standing strong and tall
Turn my back towards them all
And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
I'll learn to get by
And I'll learn to get by
On the little victories
And if the world decides to catch up with me
It's a little victory.
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