forgiving myself...

So I'm trying to get down to the heart of the matter... in a manner of speaking.

There's so much on my mind these days. Most of it is New York-centric, but there's a lot of emotions floating around my last big breakup. I can't seem to let go of the mistake(s) that I made, and some huge part of me can't let go. I know that, in a different situation, with a little forgiveness, he and I make total sense... but we're not in a different situation, we are who we are, and we are where we are.

I have never been someone who dealt with heartbreak well, and as I have gotten older I tend to be the kind of person who runs away from any situation in which I am vunerable. I don't particularly like to feel like someone has the power to break my heart, and I let that fear make my descisions a lot. I think now, I have to start deciding what I'm going to do based on what I want and not what I think is possible.

Going to New York is only for me. It's not about people's expectations of me, or what they'd like me to accomplish. It's about figuring out what I want, becoming the woman I want to be, and that I know that I am. As of late, and the last few days especially, I have spent a lot of my energy trying to figure out how to let go. Let go of my feelings for my ex, let go of my frustrations and anger with myself, let go of this place I am, both physically and emotionally. Because New York's not going to do it for me. It's a big, amazing city that will give me what I give it, but if I start this new life being sorry and sad, I'm bound to be sad for a long time to come.

So I'm sorry. I'm apologizing mostly to me... because I have apologized to the person I hurt, and he knows I'm sorry. And, oddly, though it doesn't seem like it now, I know he'll forgive me someday.

I promise to make every day in New York count. I promise to continue to look at this as just the first in many steps towards becoming who I want to be, for me.

That's all.

I have been listening to the India.Arie version of "Heart of the Matter"... and it's the perfect definition of how I'm feeling these days... so for the posterity of recording my feelings, here are some well written Don Henley lyrics:

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

Hangover induced ramblings about good friends...

The countdown begins... or begun. Who knows?

I had dinner with my family last night, and was reminded why I feel so out of place here. Though I love them dearly, and I know they love me, there's just an extra connection between my mom and sister due to things in common and a common way of looking at the world that creates a bond I don't share. I don't feel as though they don't love me, I just feel like I need to grow up and get away and figure out who I really am.

Danny called and we ended up at the Alley on a tuesday, and that was quite nice. I might have had a little too much to drink, because I'd really like to be asleep right now, but I had a blast. I always have an amazing time with that boy. He lifts me up. Being friends with him has been such a new experience for me. He's not friends with me due to the amount of time we've known each other, or just because we have mutual friends. We have to work to find time to see each other, but we just make sense as friends. I feel simmilarly about Erin and Lisa, that they know and love grown up Lexie, and it's an entirely different kind of friendship. All my friendships are amazing, but it's a different connection you make when you meet as adults, and it's fascinating.

I'm happy to be leaving and growing up, but I have some amazing friends here.

Monday monday...

So, I still have not sold my car, which is a little bit making my brain explode... but I'm in a really good mood today, though I am completely exhausted.

I also cut all my hair off, which is still shocking me, but it's a cute haircut and it'll grow out, and be much healthier once it grows... so that's happy.

I have way too many things running through my head to form intelligent thoughts right now... I'm a mess of emotion and worries and excitement and happiness and stress...

I wanna make some AWESOME appetizers for the party.

I need to get a keg.

I need a nap.

The Chris Cagle CD Rocks

There's still a lot left to do before I go, the most important of which is sell my car. I think I'm going to have to spend the money and run it on autotrader till it sells, and I'll just change the number to Lisa's when I leave so she can show people the car. I also ought to have the mirror fixed and see what it would cost to replace the stolen hubcap. I hate cars. I'm so excited to be someone who doesn't drive. They are just moneypits.

Most of the other things left to do is to tightly pack and tape up the last 2-3 boxes worth of stuff so it can be shipped out to me. I'm incredibly happy that Dan offered to help with that, because I have given away so much of my stuff, I think it would be really hard to give away anything else.

I wish I was in a better place emotionally right now. I'm such a mix of feelings. On one hand, I'm excited and happy and proud of myself, and ready to take on this new adventure, whatever it brings. On the other hand, I am sad to leave the people I love and torn about some decisions I made months ago. I know that you can't live in the past, and so many sad things are often entirely for the best, but sometimes that's hard to see in the moment. I know that everything I am doing right now is a step in the right dicrection, a step in a healthy direction, and I'm stronger than I have ever been. That should be enough to make me proud. I suppose it really is.

I'm covering the front desk right now for the office I am temping at, mostly because there's nothing else for me to do. There's actually another girl who covers the phones, but they are having me do it, as they've run out of projects to give me. Someone gave me a stack of like 15 contracts to file and then was shocked when I was done quickly. That's funny to me. This is, however, not the MOST boring job I have worked in my life, so I guess I'm lucky to have something to do that doesn't make me want to tear the hair out of my head one at a time. Working at that boutique seriously made me insane; I have never been that bored.

I'm incredibly excited about spending sometime with the girls tonight and dyeing Erin's hair, I think all in all it will be a nice night. I'm hoping to find a not-too-expensive cute top to wear out this weekend, as it's been a really long time since I have been to the Rack.

I need to learn to make happier play lists on my itunes. :) When I was getting out of the Alameda apt, Dan came by and was like, "Why are you cleaning to sad music"... I didn't have an answer. I guess I just like sad music right now. I'm big into "I Don't Wanna Live" by Chris Cagle...

Yay for shopping and the big apple, boo for going back to doing nothing at this boring job.

Some days are better than others...

Yesterday was fun, went to the Alley with Lisa... however, today I'm back at this booooooooring job and a little bit want to shoot myself. I also want to go shopping for something cute to wear to the rack...

Hmmm

A Case of the Mondays

First of all I hate mondays.

I had a pretty nice weekend, though. Thursday was Joanna's birthday party at 1984 is SF and it was an awesome night. It was really nice to catch up with my girls and hang out in the city, it's been a little too long since we were all at the same event. I partied a little teeny bit hard and was rather exhausted the next day, but talked to Cel awhile about wedding locations. I can't believe sometimes that she's the first out of our crowd to be getting married.

Other than that, most of the weekend was uneventful, though we a Mother's Day Brunch in San Jose with the whole family, and it was nice to see everyone before I leave.

I'm just feeling so much in limbo right now. I dont' want to be in this temp job, I don't want to be on this coast, and I don't want it to be Monday.

Walking back from lunch today I started to think about what a mess of emotions I am right now. I'm so excited to leave, and when I think about it, I get so pleased and proud of myself for taking this leap... but I'm sad to leave my friends, and I'm scared of the summer. Summer is my time, I live the whole year for it, and now it's this big question mark. I'm also sad about things I should have let go of already. I have to wonder if things bother me because I'm truly attached to the people I miss or because I'm a problem solver and I love a challenge. I miss having someone dorky to make stupid jokes with. I think I'm just sad because the move is stressfull. I hope that's all it is, because I need to let go of these feelings... they aren't healthy and I know he doesnt miss me.

i'd never wanna see you unhappy,
i thought you'd want the same for me...

goodbye my almost lover
goodbye my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be
so long my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
should have known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do

Just another emotion I need to learn to shake off. I'm so much stronger than I have ever been, but it's not enough to make this go away. It'd be so nice to make this go away.

My New Years Resolution: More Blogging.

... except that it's May. But, whatever. I need to stop waiting 8 months to blog, especially with the big move to New York. I'm going to want to record these things.

Currently I am working a pretty boring temp job that involves a lot of meanial shit no one else wants to do, but it pays and it's super flexible, and it's onlyfor another couple weeks.

I'm 26 days away from the big move now and its starting to feel incredibly real. I know I'll be sad at some point, but all I can think about is how friggin excited I am. I have spent the last 27 years feeling like I didn't belong, and something in me just knows that I belong in New York. There's theater and art and music, yes, and I will of course pursue the things I love, but I'm not going to go be a broadway star. I'm going to start over, to finalize this part of my growing up. To make the woman I've grown into a real person, I have to give her a new home.

I think a lot about choices and decisions I have made and realized only just recently that I have rarely made a decision in my life that was 100% based on my own needs or desires... I so often weigh out what I need or want against what someone else needs, Matt, my mom, my friends, my family, my sister. Last week we were planning my birthday dinner and I called everyone to make sure the restaurant I picked was ok. Avra thought that was hilarious, as it was for my birthday, it should be up to me. Silly.

Someone called me selfish a while back, and they said it in anger, so I'm sure it's little to do with me, but it really got me thinking about the choices I have made that were selfish and those that I have made that were not. The Not's outweigh the Were's, but I have still done some stuff that wasn't cool. But, it's all part of growing up, and I think I have learned from everything I regret. Honestly, I don't regret too much because it was all a lesson. I would love to take back anytime I've hurt someone, but other than that, my mistakes are part of who I am, and owning them makes me much stronger.

All in all, I'm excited and unstopable these days, and it's a great feeling.

Back to filing surveys... such is life