forgiving myself...

So I'm trying to get down to the heart of the matter... in a manner of speaking.

There's so much on my mind these days. Most of it is New York-centric, but there's a lot of emotions floating around my last big breakup. I can't seem to let go of the mistake(s) that I made, and some huge part of me can't let go. I know that, in a different situation, with a little forgiveness, he and I make total sense... but we're not in a different situation, we are who we are, and we are where we are.

I have never been someone who dealt with heartbreak well, and as I have gotten older I tend to be the kind of person who runs away from any situation in which I am vunerable. I don't particularly like to feel like someone has the power to break my heart, and I let that fear make my descisions a lot. I think now, I have to start deciding what I'm going to do based on what I want and not what I think is possible.

Going to New York is only for me. It's not about people's expectations of me, or what they'd like me to accomplish. It's about figuring out what I want, becoming the woman I want to be, and that I know that I am. As of late, and the last few days especially, I have spent a lot of my energy trying to figure out how to let go. Let go of my feelings for my ex, let go of my frustrations and anger with myself, let go of this place I am, both physically and emotionally. Because New York's not going to do it for me. It's a big, amazing city that will give me what I give it, but if I start this new life being sorry and sad, I'm bound to be sad for a long time to come.

So I'm sorry. I'm apologizing mostly to me... because I have apologized to the person I hurt, and he knows I'm sorry. And, oddly, though it doesn't seem like it now, I know he'll forgive me someday.

I promise to make every day in New York count. I promise to continue to look at this as just the first in many steps towards becoming who I want to be, for me.

That's all.

I have been listening to the India.Arie version of "Heart of the Matter"... and it's the perfect definition of how I'm feeling these days... so for the posterity of recording my feelings, here are some well written Don Henley lyrics:

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore