The Great Divide

I was in P.E. class. I was a sophomore in High School There was this theater girl whom I had just lost a role too named Peggy. She was a senior. I thought she was a total bitch. I can't remember what we were talking about, but I'll never forget she said something like, "You'll understand when you're my age."

"Wow... 18 to 15... Yeah, Peggy... that's a lot of difference." I thought with this sarcastic self assuredness that one only finds in a 15 year old.

A boyfriend who was 5 years older than I loved to tout that same mantra. I thought he was a self righteous ass too.

In both cases, I was incorrect.

The gap between each of our formative years is enormous. We're talking, miles wide. You don't see it till you get to the other side. Nothing about the experience of growing up happens in the manner one attributes to the connotation of the word "growing". Every cliched movie moment where someone talks about how you blink and years are over -- that came right out of reality. So, clearly, my observation is not original, but it's new to me. It's an interesting place to be in one's life.

I love my roommates. They are good, and kind, and sweet and funny. They are, however, on the other side of a canyon I have already crossed. Not only is it a journey I have made, but I have spent a lot of it looking over my shoulder. Recently I realized that's a bad idea. I like moving on. Bring on 30. Bring on growing up. All the changes in my life in the last 2 months have been the best changes. I welcome more. So, in that spirit, I have to keep to the goal, stick to the plan.

And, really, at this point the only solid detail to the plan is to figure out who I am and what I want... (I mean, let's face it folks, this was never really a detailed plan. I didn't even come here with a job, for crying out loud.)

Be it age, fatigue, or just a phase... I have come to need a little peace in my world. In my youth I expended so much energy on worry and sadness and insecurity, that I have little patience for them left -- in myself and in others.

I want to find the solution.
I want to see the sunshine.
I want to think.
I want to listen and be heard.
I think to the future.
I look on the bright side.
I want to be surrounded by people who do too.

I have spent what feels like an eternity spinning in dizzy, frantic circles, and I this point I'm ready to be still. So many people in their early 20's don't know how to be still. And, god bless them, they have the energy. I have the energy too -- I would just like to expend it on other activities.